I saw a dead homeless person splayed on the sidewalk and felt no emotions whatsoever; I've become such a New Yorker! :-D

Friend: "This is the kind of day that can only be salvaged by tequila." Me: "Welcome to every day of my life."

Ad for Lifetime Television: "It's impossible to be a pet lover and a jerk." Someone in marketing never learned that Hitler was a vegetarian.

making a PB&J sandwich, I noticed the PB contains an ingredient called "rapeseed." I do not feel quite so hungry anymore.

bu$ine$$ plan: apply for job at abortion clinic, bottle fetus juice, add vitamins, market under brand name "Infanti-Cider." (would it be necessary to add vitamins? chicken eggs have plenty of A and B12, right?)

Friend: "Scholars think Shakespeare was gay." Me: "They say that about EVERY dead writer... they say it about ME and I'm still ALIVE!"

girlfriend's aunt: "Our new cat's name is Jacko." girlfriend: "What kind of cat?" aunt: "A black one." me: "It hasn't turned albino yet?"

I bought a Powerball ticket worth $5 a few years ago. Whenever somebody asks what I do for a living I'm tempted to say, "I won the lottery."

I haven't tweeted in 18 hours -- felt like I was missing a limb or a nipple or something, which would bring me down to 3 limbs or 2 nipples.