Twitter Archive (January-February 2010)

I am watching a BBC documentary titled "My Big Breasts and Me." Wow, public television is so much better across the pond! (I can't masturbate to Antiques Roadshow. Not most of the time anyway.)

Headline: "Pope John Paul II whipped himself." Oh, come on, it's not *that* weird; he just didn't have a woman to do it like the rest of us.

Girlfriend, waking from nap: "In my dream I gave you a blow job." Me: "The great thing about America is you can make dreams become reality."

A college student asked me if it's wrong to drink alone. "Dude, you're in college," I replied. "Alcoholism doesn't exist until you turn 30."

Ideals can make you a human; ideology will make you an animal.

Twitter Archive (December 2009)

TV commercial: "The secret to keeping women happy is: don't only focus on the big things..." Me: "There's a secret to keeping women happy?!"

This is one of those mornings where I wake up and think, "Why can't a man respectably drink before sundown?" You know, like every morning.

If you have only had one book published, and its title is something like "How to Get Published," do all writers a favor and choke on dick.

A woman claims she lost 54 lbs. from eating Taco Bell. So did I one time, but I put it back on w/ Pepto-Bismol calories.

New Column at the Daily Beast

My cynical look back at the atrocious '00s: "Worst Decade Ever"

Why Christmas Kicks Hanukkah's Ass

Jewcy has posted my holiday column from last year. (I would write another holiday column this year, but unlike you I always get it right the first time.)

New Audio Interview

I'm interviewed about my Salon.com article at podcast site Quirky Nomads.

Twitter Archive (November 2009)

Friend: "Happy thanksgiving." Me: "Same to you, genocidal smallpox-ridden land-taking deceitful white devil." Why don't I have more friends?

Author: "My book is about that person you always see through the window but never meet." Me: "You mean the nudist I spy on with binoculars?"

I am eating Frosted Mini-Wheats with chocolate milk. Somewhere my dentist is weeping.

If you demand freedoms that make you happy, but revoke those that make others happy, you've missed the point of America.

Twitter Archive (October 2009)

I saw a dead homeless person splayed on the sidewalk and felt no emotions whatsoever; I've become such a New Yorker! :-D

Friend: "This is the kind of day that can only be salvaged by tequila." Me: "Welcome to every day of my life."

Ad for Lifetime Television: "It's impossible to be a pet lover and a jerk." Someone in marketing never learned that Hitler was a vegetarian.