Twitter Archive (September 2009)

making a PB&J sandwich, I noticed the PB contains an ingredient called "rapeseed." I do not feel quite so hungry anymore.

bu$ine$$ plan: apply for job at abortion clinic, bottle fetus juice, add vitamins, market under brand name "Infanti-Cider." (would it be necessary to add vitamins? chicken eggs have plenty of A and B12, right?)

Friend: "Scholars think Shakespeare was gay." Me: "They say that about EVERY dead writer... they say it about ME and I'm still ALIVE!"

Whenever NYC tourists gawk at me from a bus I feel like a zoo exhibit. One of these days I'll chuck poo in their faces.

guys will ask ourselves in the '10s why none of us shaved in the '00s; if you remember a smooth face, you weren't there.

I refer to shaving ABOVE the neck; history will condemn our decadent manscaping ways. (One sec, I need to recharge my Norelco BodyGroom...)

Me: "The pink phone is effeminate but I hate orange." Friend: "Are you a man or a Japanese schoolgirl?" Me: "You know my Halloween costume?"

girlfriend is desperate to buy Halloween costumes. Any good ideas? I was thinking I could be Kirk and she could be Picard. Where's my razor?

OK, this Halloween I am Commander William Riker. I would have been Spock, but we are in the middle of a recession and the ears cost an extra $5.

I would have been Kirk, but yellow is SO not my color. (I am praying to William Shatner for Yom Kippur forgiveness; he thinks he's God, right?)

Christianity would vanish if people did not fear hell; Judaism would vanish if (mildly) disappointing your parents did not feel like hell.

my spellchecker says the plural of "hobo" is "hobos," not "hoboes," but I doubt too many would know to feel insulted anyway.

Me: "I wish I could place a 'donate' button next to my updates." Friend: "I'd pay you to stop posting so damn much."

My problem with the Internet is that it gives a voice to the 99% of people who should not have one. Is that "elitist"? (You think *I* care?)

Men can use umbrellas; we just don't allow women to hold one for us.

Friend: "I didn't expect Miss Illinois to remember my name!" Me: "You don't forget someone after a judge orders him to stay 700 feet away."

Friend: "Day 11 with contaminated water. I'm going to start brushing my teeth with bourbon." Me: "Welcome to my life!"

[In wake of Mackenzie Phillips incest revelations] News flash: The Mamas & the Papas renamed "The Mamas & the Cherry Poppin' Daddies"

Friend who works the Onion: "Your book is carried in our bathroom library." Me: "Wow, I'm honored...for reading or wiping?"

Rep. Steve King (R-IA) says gay marriage will usher in socialist dystopia; novelist Stephen King plans to write sequel "MaRximum Overdrive."

("MaRximum Analdrive" probably stretches the Stephen King pun too far. Also, "stretches the pun too far" stretches the pun too far.)

when creative types switch permanently from "I am" to "I was," art becomes nostalgia and they are fucking done.

Quaker friend: "Thank you for bread, Lord. Give bread to those who are hungry." Me: "Bread is bullshit. I like steak and ice cream."

Quaker friend: "What do 'God' and 'worship' mean to you?" Me: "A) Chipotle Mexican Grill and B) devour." I am history's greatest theologian.

(Future Generations: Chipotle is our most delicious restaurant. I hope and pray it's your government.)

Russian Standard Vodka is some of the best I've ever tasted. Mixing it should be punishable by gulag.

theoconservatives condemn mainstream sexuality while obliviously detailing their bizarre subconscious fantasies. They are the creepiest people in the world, the cancer of humanity's soul, and zero fun at parties.

talking to my Japanese buddy I referred to Seppuku as "Sudoku." (those number puzzles will drive you to honorable suicide!)

me: "Why are we driving to the grocery store, not walking?" girlfriend: "Liquid is heavy." me: "True... I have to carry my balls around every day."

I have wanted a foot rub for days; perhaps I shall hold an auction for this honor. Minimum bid: $579,000. Note: winner must provide lotion.

A woman in my grandma's nursing home tries to seduce me whenever I visit; gentlemen SHOULD help old ladies, but this isn't crossing a street. (apparently the horny octogenarian paws every youngish guy who walks through the door; anyone out there w/ a geriatric fetish? I'll hook you up!)

I agree w/ conservatives that people are not intrinsically good; have you ever MET a conservative?

conservatives say their philosophy accounts for Man's flawed nature, yet they loathe any laws for companies run by men?!

walked into Whole Foods b/c they usually have clean restrooms. A homeless man exited, dripping wet from toilet water bath. Hello, Starbucks.

"I can say hello to [mutual friend] if you want... is that gesture obsolete in the age of instant messaging?"

All week I've been moody and craving chocolate. Time to hit Costco for another crate of wholesale-priced tampons...

liberals: most conservatives are not racists. conservatives: most liberals are not commies. can you shut the fuck up now?

me: "Reading about how women are treated around the world, it's harder to joke about how they're all crazy whiny bitches." girlfriend: "But we ARE!"

twitter is very humbling for a professional humorist; any punchline you can think up, some random schmuck has already beaten you to it.

Harrison Ford: "I'll be very happy to put the [Indy] costume on again." I'd be happy if he doesn't, unless Lucas suffers a heart attack first.

CNN headline: "Showerheads may deliver blast of bacteria." I sent to all my favorite OCD sufferers.

Nobody likes a bitter person, but nobody loves a happy writer. Whenever my heart flutters thinking about how much I love my girlfriend, I need to dwell on how much I despise the rest of humanity

I support universal health care, although I have the greatest physique of any creature on this earth, because I also have the greatest compassion. (girlfriend: "And the greatest modesty.")

Republicans say health care jeopardizes states' rights; hey, remember their attempted federal ban on gay marriage? (some conservatives truly believe "let the states decide"; others merely utilize such rhetoric when it prevents the spread of equality.)

political analysis is ultimately meaningless; Plato said everything with "Allegory of the Cave" 2,400 years ago.

no matter how liberal I might become, if I ever try yoga I promise to kick myself in the face -- probably thanks to yoga.

unfortunate CNN headline: "LAX security chief to head TSA." They probably meant "L.A. International Airport," not "lazy."

friend's sister: "it seems like I grow new moles every day!" me: "I am so turned on right now."

I am no longer a baby-faced prodigy, but I am not yet a grizzled master; for now I will just have to settle for "genius hitting his stride."

cilantro makes my taste buds feel as if they're getting tied to bedposts and tickled with a feather: weird but I like it. (just for the record: the only feathers in my bedroom remain inside my pillow.)

almost walked into a barbershop, and then noticed "WE BUY GOLD" sign in the window. Am I alone in thinking a barbershop should not buy gold?

do rageaholics who compulsively start fights online go to church on Sunday and nod their heads to "judge not"?

social intelligence sometimes means knowing what to say; more often it means knowing when to say nothing. I am not socially intelligent.

"The World According to Mr. Rogers" truly contains more wisdom than any other book in my collection -- and I have copies of both testaments.

religion is like a hammer: you can either build a shelter or bash somebody over the head. I don't see too many shelters.

Six million Twitter users yet I am the only one who ever says jack shit that is interesting; the internet is fucking worthless except for me.

Am I the world's greatest living author, or merely the English-speaking world's? Rosetta Stone, do not fail me now...

I am not "full of myself"; the human race is full with me.

when you can tie your shoes with your toe hair, it's probably time for a trim.

a bully mocks the weak to dignify the stereotype; a satirist mocks the stereotype to dignify the weak... also because fire is a super fun toy.

it would be so sweet to sound like Tom Waits, but unfortunately I don't want lung cancer

one of the most fascinating ironies I've discovered: you cannot exercise free will until you understand the ways determinism has shaped you. when you realize your behaviors and beliefs are shaped by circumstances beyond your control, suddenly you *can* gain control. until that moment of recognition, you are still on autopilot... unless it's Sam Adams: always a good decision.

The bad news: I spent 2 hours vomiting last night from dehydration + cheap wine. The good news: my abs look AMAZING today!

girlfriend: "honey, just because you buy a bunch of wine bottles doesn't mean you have to drink them all." oh, women and their silly ideas.

girlfriend: "Wow, some of your nipple hairs are REALLY long!" Everything about me is astonishing.

To girlfriend: "I am so full of love for you, it's like I'm a water balloon." <5... 4... 3... 2... 1> "I am going to burst all over you."

girlfriend: "OK, let's rock 'n' roll." me: "Let's cock 'n' hole!" gf: "Oh honey, that... rhymes... you're so... talented. <mutters> Christ."

gf: "Why do you post everything we say?" me: "You're dating a WRITER, baby!" gf: "Status updates aren't 'writing.'" me: "An EXHIBITIONIST then!"