Twitter Archive (October 2009)

I saw a dead homeless person splayed on the sidewalk and felt no emotions whatsoever; I've become such a New Yorker! :-D

Friend: "This is the kind of day that can only be salvaged by tequila." Me: "Welcome to every day of my life."

Ad for Lifetime Television: "It's impossible to be a pet lover and a jerk." Someone in marketing never learned that Hitler was a vegetarian.

Man publishes book titled The Ethical Journalist, charges $59.95 (3x more than average hardcover). Snark writes itself.

Friend: "What modern journalist can afford $60 for a book?" Me: "No modern journalist can afford anything not covered by food stamps."

oh my god, I had a meatless lunch and now I'm having a meatless dinner -- no question, it's the zoo for dessert.

My editor said trying vegetarianism for a week is a boring stunt, so I offered to travel upstate, slaughter a cow w/ my teeth ("while it's technically still 'alive'") & bathe in its sweet hot blood, all while running around the farm naked & screaming "I AM KING OF THE JUNGLE."... For some reason I don't think I'll manage to sell this article. (It would be for a review of Jonathan Safran Foer's animal rights book, by the way.)

I actually wondered if slaughtering a creature for journalism would turn me vegetarian. Alas, we'll never know... it's chicken for dinner. Honestly I suspect that future generations will view meat-eating as we do slavery, but robot-human marriage--which I fully support--will happen first. (When the animals write their version of the Magna Carta, I'll consider eating vegetables instead.)

Former generations relied on race/ethnicity/faith/sexuality/ideology for identity; Gen Y forms our own. There are no "the ____s," just "me." (And this is a very healthy development. Thanks, Internet! The death of our collective attention span is worth the trade-off.)

intelligence is more attention span than knowledge; thanks to the internet, I am getting stupider every day.

Social conservatism would cease to exist on the national level without distrust of an outside majority and disgust for an internal minority.

Halloween costume: shove bread loaf up my ass, be "Rye in the Catcher." I love the holidays.

At friend's wedding. Explained concept of pawn shop to 4-yr-old ring bearer. $$$$.

Mother of bride: "First come your friends' weddings, then their children." Me: "Then their divorces!" Oh, Jesus.

In church. Everyone is reading hymnals; I am reading Philip Roth. Also my skin burns a little...

To bride & groom after wedding: "Thanks for the ride back to the hotel... Mind if I hang out in your room for awhile?" Classy.

The authoritarian personality is angered when art, music and literature stir the body, but driven to utter psychosis when they stir the mind.

The contours of moderation & extremism evolve; centrism is not inherently a virtue -- there is nothing intrinsically noble in taking the middle of the road, which often smacks of cowardice -- but it's a healthier disposition for justice over time. "Moderate" attitudes of 60 years ago would shock us today as barbaric, while supposedly "extremist" notions have become conventional wisdom; yet if our modern values had been imposed all at once, those moderates of a previous era would have kicked & screamed with rabid paranoia -- as today's traditionalists kick and scream, immune to logic and compromise -- instead of opening to gradual change. You don't want to water down righteousness, but you need to bring the mainstream along for the ride, which sometimes takes the kind of political genius who comes along once per generation. As I've written before, only half-jokingly: conservatives will someday oppose robot/human marriage for endangering the traditional same-sex family. (If the androids request civil rights I shall be on their side; if they attempt to wipe out humanity, however, I shall be on our side -- because I'm a moderate.)

Anyone else think The Office is past its prime? They need to film Pam's bloody miscarriage episode and call it a day.

I walked 85 blocks (no exaggeration) and then enjoyed "vigorous physical activity" upon returning home. My back feels as if Andre the Giant stomped on it all day.

To friend sick in bed: "All right, man, rest up... if you have trouble getting to sleep, just count upward from H1N1."

Friend asked if she should get a flu vaccination. Me: "Why bother? We're all going to die." Have I been watching too much cable news?

Poster: "Never Underestimate the Power of Stupid People in Large Groups." Quite possibly, truer words have never been spoken.

my friends in grad school make it sound absolutely horrible -- twice the work of undergrad without any of the "first time for everything" fun.

And in the end, the cash you make is equal to the hate you fake. #beatleslyricsforpundits

The stupid and evil are 100% convinced of their own wisdom & morality, yet never fail to condemn those who actually possess these qualities.

just did 50 pull-ups in a row. (okay, okay, I took a ten-second pause after 25 but whatever.) it's definitely time for another round of shirtless pics. Where is my coconut body oil?

jammed a fork into my lip while attempting to eat dinner. How did I graduate from kindergarten?

jammed a fork into my lip for the second dinner in a row; I should probably ask my doctor to check for early-onset Parkinson's or something.

Hey God, thanks for making it 42 degrees and drizzling for my reading tonight. Now I get to find out who my friends really are!

Earth to Rush Limbaugh: the "thought police" are not coming for you; they prefer to harass people who actually think.

All religious fundamentalists are exactly the same when it comes to perversion and hypocrisy, no matter their faith.

Living in the NE, where the few remaining conservatives are educated & pluralistic, it's hard to grasp how stupid & cruel they are elsewhere

Ladies: Always a bridesmaid & never a bride? Then dress as Bride of Frankenstein for Halloween HA HA! </attempt at family-friendly humor>

Men never cry, except in war, and even then only in private as cracks of artillery mask the pathetic weeping/mucous sounds. Although I came close during the final episode of Battlestar Galactica.

Annual dentist appointment is next week. Time to start flossing!

I'm looking forward to Halloween/Thanksgiving/Chrismukkah but not New Year's; you wake up either disappointed from lack of craziness or ashamed by a surplus.

Good news: the stock market has recovered from its 53% crash. Now we can deregulate the financial markets again! :-D

A musician friend asked me to write lyrics for his song, then complained that they are "too abrasive." Seriously, dude, you were surprised?? (here is the chorus: "god is dead and you will be soon / if you have hope, you should have none / god is dead and you are doomed")

Ray Bradbury: “You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you." Personally I prefer tequila.

Like many journalists I sometimes fail to condemn evil powerhouses in my industry; unlike many journalists I swear to do better next time.

spent the afternoon at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Annex, easily the LEAST rock & roll place on earth; it's Planet Hollywood for the 1960s.

Playboy is printing Marge Simpson on its cover to appeal to readers "under 35." Hasn't it been 35 years since The Simpsons was actually funny?

Headline: "Man Kills Fiancee on Eve of Wedding." Sad. :-( On the bright side, her family already has the church booked for the funeral. :-D

I humbly accept the Nobel Prize for Literature although I've not yet accomplished anything. For example: win the Nobel Prize for Literature.

It's fantastic that the world community loves our country again. Too bad none of us can afford to travel overseas anymore.

CNN: "A woman died Sunday after being mauled by her pet black bear." In other news, the median IQ of humanity just increased. (Holy shit: "The homeowner had a permit to keep a Bengal tiger and an African lion." Lions and tigers and bears, OH DEATH.)

history would be so much easier if the 2000s = the 20th century, the 1900s = the 19th, the 1800s = the 18th, etc. Adding one hurts my brain.

today's epiphany: I don't need to feel bad for pissing people off; I'm simply redistributing their joy to others.

CNN: "Psychostimulant big on campus, easy to get." In related news, I am officially renaming my penis "Psychostimulant."