Twitter Archive (November 2009)

Friend: "Happy thanksgiving." Me: "Same to you, genocidal smallpox-ridden land-taking deceitful white devil." Why don't I have more friends?

Author: "My book is about that person you always see through the window but never meet." Me: "You mean the nudist I spy on with binoculars?"

I am eating Frosted Mini-Wheats with chocolate milk. Somewhere my dentist is weeping.

If you demand freedoms that make you happy, but revoke those that make others happy, you've missed the point of America.

Happy thanksgiving! I am grateful for love, freedom and mirrors. (Not in that order.)

Friend: "Puppies must have some sort of magical healing power; I feel better around them." Me: "Yes their blood is positively rejuvenating."

Girlfriend: "Oh honey you're sick? I should baby you and give you blow jobs!" Me: "That's a strange way to treat a baby."

I would consider buying a Kindle if it came packaged w/ an intern to digitally scan my thousands of unread paper books. No laborer, no sale.

I have a cough so I drank some Robitussin; it didn't go away, so I had some more, then looked up OD effects. I doubt the extra sip will result in "psychological breakdown as the result of a strong trip," but you never know whether it's one sip over the line...

I ran out of DayQuil so I took NyQuil...in the day... I feel as though I've violated the laws of nature. Also: I feel drunk.

Alternative medicine website suggested I treat my cold w/ 2 cloves of fresh garlic. Wish I'd known the difference between cloves & bulbs... (I should avoid society for a month at least; Altoids are not curiously strong enough.)

I'm going to drink absinthe tonight. I've tried it twice before; it tastes like cough syrup & is about as psychedelic as Bud Light.

No wonder Dr. Drew is the host of VH1's Sex Rehab, seeing as how he's such a shameless goddamned whore and everything.

Mom just asked if I want to see The Twilight Saga: New Moon, which she heard on the news is "popular with young people." Oy vey. (The answer is yes, I am dying to see it.)

It takes a truly sick mind to equate preemptive war with freedom and preventative medicine with death.

Do today's science deniers realize they are the heirs to those who silenced Galileo, or did they fail history class too?

Look, I don't *want* to only bash one political camp -- I love bashing everyone! -- but it's getting more & more difficult to split 50-50.

Scientists need to stop trying to cure cancer, and start explaining why the second glass of cheap wine tastes so much better than the first.

Just received my first prostate exam. I never thought I'd say "the dildo was more comfortable," but at least that was a GRADUAL entry!

Critics have accused me of navel-gazing as if it's a bad thing; if only they knew I possess the most gorgeous navel in the fucking universe.

The bad news: I think I broke my ankle. The good news: I am too drunk to worry about it for 10 more hours.

FlashForward: not good enough to start watching, not bad enough to stop watching. Talk about a time paradox.

I'll say without irony that Independence Day is one of the greatest sci-fi movies ever made, mostly thanks to the dog jumping the fireball.

Holocaust memoir Man's Search for Meaning inspired me to write *my* memoir: Marty's Search for a Book That's Not Quite So Fucking Depressing

Across continents and cultures, the constant of fundamentalism is the villification of reason.

The banality of society becomes obvious when you realize that any subject worth discussing is taboo at the dinner table. You can talk about the weather / food / sports, and never offend anyone, but if you refuse to speak the truth what's the point of being alive?

"The Economy" rumored to be Time's Person of the Year. Did the fact-checking department get chopped in a round of layoffs?

Hate Mail: "Sounds to me like you're still a duche Marty." Learn how to spell "douche" and try again, genius.

I keep coming back to this word "moderate," which makes me sound like a soulless triangulating sellout, but it's a disposition, not a policy. Principles are preferable to platitudes as long as you possess the pragmatism to make them possible. For example, Martin Luther King warned against a moderation that delayed/diluted justice, but crafted his words to reach the sober, flexible, decent center. It really comes down to whether you have faith in the core goodness of the (sometimes misled, sometimes confused) American people. And I do, even if it makes me sound unexciting.

Veterans Day email to my buddies in uniform: "Thanks for serving in ways I'm too much of a pussy to do."

Top story on CNN.com: "iReport: New mom inspired to lose 71 pounds." That's it, CNN.com, you are fucking dead to me.

Maine voters outlaw gay marriage yet legalize medical pot; WTF is happening to democracy when STONERS need to mellow out?

For everyone promising to boycott lobster over Maine's anti-gay election: please be aware gefilte fish is a poor, poor substitute.

And in the end, the cash you make is equal to the hate you fake. #beatleslyricsforpundits

A genius makes art poppy; a hack makes pop arty. (Source: Aphorisms of Marty Beckerman: Esoteric Bullshit I Would Never Write Sober Yet Did)