Twitter Archive (June 2009)

Me to right-wing friend: "Grammar is one of the few things I'm still conservative on... wait... on which I'm still conservative."

An author must expect a few negative reviews, or else should not publish. That said, all my critics are evil rancid scum.

only in NY: I heard meowing from a trash can, so I walked over intending to save an abandoned kitty... only to find a meowing schizophrenic.

NY Daily News runs editorial slamming "bloodsuckers" who profit off Michael Jackson's death, prints giant photo of MJ on cover. Nice.

Dear Brain: please stop playing "Beat It," "Bad" & "Billie Jean" over and over and over -- they make me wanna scream (make me wanna scream)

had a ludicrous amount of fun this weekend. going to spend today on the couch, waiting for liver/brain to grow back.

"My back hurts so much -- we've been walking ALL DAY LONG," I complained... and then noticed the guy in a wheelchair right behind me.

I sprayed peppermint oil to make a mouse leave my apartment. unforeseen side effect: *I* want to leave my apartment

whenever I walk into Whole Foods, I feel as if I've entered a cult compond where nobody questions their patently fake, money-making religion

(on the other hand, it's difficult to find Annie's mac & cheese elsewhere)

NY Times: "Ads for Atheism Appear on Manhattan Buses" (Because New York is clearly the godliest li'l town in the world...)

(the only theists in this city reside in the subway stations. "morlocks," I believe they are called.)

senator's mistress objected to pet name "dearest." At 16 a teacher told me to remove "dearest" from a short story: "Nobody talks like that."

at press conference adulterous senator ACTUALLY said, "I'm a bottom-line kind of guy. I'll lay it out, it's going to hurt"???

OMG a politician cheated on his wife?? WTF? How is it possible? MY WORLD IS UNRAVELING--MY PERCEPTION OF REALITY IS A LIE

Cig-smoking prez signs anti-tobacco bill? Isn't that like how Republican senators lecture about the sanctity of marriage?

weeks without sunlight... this NY "summer" is reminding me of Alaskan winters

weather.com claims NYC will have sunshine tomorrow, which would be nice because my soul is shriveling faster than the plant on my windowsill

Anyone suspect that Republicans oppose universal health care b/c free rabies meds would shrink their base to nothing?

drinking wine alone at night feels classy... drinking beer alone at night just feels sad

me to friend whom I offended: "I love waking up to someone telling me why I'm an asshole. Actually it's how I wake up every day."

finally watched "good night and good luck" -- enjoyable film, although it saddened me b/c the only Truths I expose are dick joke punch lines

"The fried macaroni and cheese at Cheesecake Factory has a staggering 69 grams of saturated fat--more than you should eat in 3½ days"--Time

McDonald's + Gatorade = miracle hangover cure

Marty Beckerman completed the quiz "Which Crazy Writer Are You?" with the result: Marty Beckerman

The new Domino's Pizza slogan is "Let Us Put Some South In Your Mouth"? Really? Are they feeling threatened by the Quiznos oven fucker?

was it wrong to click on the headline "Senate apologizes for slavery" just to see how many southern conservatives voted nay?

my diet isn't very kosher, but chocolate-covered bacon is an abomination

Iran's youth shouting "I'll bleed, I'll die, but count my vote" kinda puts our 60% turnout into perspective

Shia LaBeouf says "Indy 5" in the works--can he & Lucas have NOTHING to do w/ it?

lyrics "never thought I'd take the fall" played on shuffle as I climbed down a ladder... thanks for the sick sense of humor, universe

Total stranger: "I want to get hammered!" Me: "Welcome to my life."

me: "it gets better the more you drink it." girlfriend: "many alcoholic beverages are like that."

Paulo Coehlho said a writer "never combs his hair." I haven't combed my hair in a decade... truly I am destined for glory.

crazy homeless bitch threw a garbage bag at me & screamed "NOW YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL." I actually dodged the bag w/ my lightning quick reflexes--I felt like Spider-Man, if Spider-Man were attacked by bums instead of Venom.

disturbed that #2 google search leading people to my site this month (besides my name) is "oldsex"--I don't remember ever using this phrase.

"I'd read this vegetarian propaganda, but I'm too busy stuffing my face-hole w/ a well-marbled, sauce-slathered chunk of blood flavor steak"

I've honestly wondered if history will judge meat as harshly as slavery--until that day, however, veal is goddamn delicious.

I didn't notice girlfriend's new haircut. On one hand, I feel like a jerk. On the other hand, it's nice to know that I am, in fact, a man.

"Champagne is the elixir of life”--Jay McInerney (personally I would say bourbon, but close enough...)

conservative friend: "The Republican Party is a mess." Me: "Yeah, considering how much they hate abortion, it's ironic their party is one."

I'm constantly tempted to type "(left/right)-wingers are all (assumption)," but then I feel guilty for ignoring the nuance & diversity of 1%

(...although I'm more convinced on a daily basis that 1% of liberals are crazy, as opposed to 99% of conservatives.)

"Food, Inc." is the most uninspired title in the history of left-wing documentaries. Why not just call the film "Lecture"?

Headline: "Workers injured in roof collapse at Slim Jim plant." They *really* snapped it to a Slim Jim.

line from my P.J. O'Rourke interview that wound up on cutting room floor: "In Ireland, if you only drink beer they call you a sober person."

the best Marty in history was obviously Luther King, and then McFly, and then me

Me to friend: "In New York people live like shit to make their dreams happen--so if you don't have a dream, you're just living like shit."

every time I resist posting a political rant, I feel like I've built some character -- nobody wants to read it as badly as I want to type it

Friend: "I am so tired of smiling at people I don't actually care about." Me: "Welcome to the human race."

"Thirteen Days" would have been an okay movie if the director had deleted every scene in which Kevin Costner opens his mouth.

saw a burlesque show for the first time last night... it was super raunchy, yet somehow I feel like I got some culture.

Younger cousin: "My prom is tonight." Me: "Don't do anything I wouldn't... wait, on second thought, just don't do anything!"

Obama's strategic genius: making idealism seem powerful, cynicism naive (whereas Bush's strategic cynicism made American ideals seem naive)

the irony: Obama is a cold, brutal realist but knows how to make liberalism seem realistic while making his enemies only seem cold & brutal.

Friend: "Conan is not very funny, and certainly not enough to fill Leno's shoes." Me: "You are the only person under 60 who feels this way."

"Am I thinner than I used to be, honey?" is a deceptively simple question for a man to answer. Try: "Well, dear, you were *already* thin..."

According to the doctor I am allergic to tree pollen--my flirtation w/ an environmentally friendly lifestyle just came to a pyromaniacal end

religion without reason: the most dangerous weapon on earth

baking chocolate chip banana crumble muffins--I am a domestic goddess, all hail the mangina

the most terrifying six words I've heard in my life: "you might be allergic to alcohol"

gf's coworker: "My dad used to spank me -- he'd ask if I wanted it under or over my panties." Me: "That's what I asked [gf] earlier today!"