Twitter Archive (July 2009)

You say embarrassing things when you are drunk; this is why it's important to drink so much you lose the ability to speak.

(I need to dull the pain of my genius--being a lush will never make anyone a great writer; it's the other way around.)

Girlfriend: "Wow, you blazed through William Shatner's autobiography." Me: "It's not exactly Moby Dick... even though it *is* about a whale."

truly it is appropriate that Shatner's autobio is alphabetically placed beside The Collected Works of William Shakespeare on my bookshelf

sad about Walter Cronkite dying, but look on the bright side: I am now the most trusted man in America.

CNN asks: "What is mankind's greatest achievement?" Their suggestions: moon landing, computers, music, fire. My suggestion: Marty Beckerman.

slept on my arm the wrong way, bicep hurts SO MUCH -- it's like being 14 all over again, minus the joy of self-discovery...

I was never fatter than during my conservative year--when I came back to the center, I lost 45 lbs. without even trying... cancer of the soul leads to bloat of the body.

Girlfriend: "Would you want to see Billy Elliot this weekend?" Me: "Who?" Gf: "It's a Broadway musical." Me: "Oh... apparently I'm straight."

scientists need to mass produce lab-grown/death-free meat for the sake of our planet AND my guilty conscience. (my *slightly* guilty conscience.)

"try peppermint oil for the mouse problem -- or get a vicious, bloodthirsty tiger of a kitty..."

true patriots live their pride instead of bragging about it.

saw 83-yr-old Angela Lansbury on Broadway--the play was so-so, but she deserves props for remembering her lines and not losing bowel control

(I feel guilty for that last one; I hope I'm as good at my craft when I'm 83 as Lansbury remains at hers. Also I hope I don't need diapers.)

two kinds of race humor: one erodes stereotypes, the other reinforces them--irony vs. bullying--and crying "PC" is no excuse for the latter.

upon realizing the duality of human nature is constant across religious/ethnic/political/individual lines, you become way less of an asshole

pride needs justification. "I am a proud _____" makes us petty; "I am a proud _____ because..." makes us human.

my funeral instructions: AC/DC blasting "Highway to Hell" as the space shuttle launches my corpse directly into the sun--so fucking sweet.

Genuine belief in the existence of hell must really fuck a person up. (The metaphysical hell, I mean, not New Jersey.)

I base my choices on whether they seem decent, not whether I will eternally burn for them--it's a healthier way to live.

twitter kills philosophy -- it's impossible to debate whether morality exists outside of theology in 140 characters or less

Time magazine headline: "Why Are Southerners So Fat?" (The editors neglected to add: "And Stupid?")

it's obvious I'm losing my edge when I feel bad for stereotyping southerners -- how can I get rid of this awful *conscience* I've developed?

a sense of decency is worthless if it hampers you from speaking the obvious truth.

Me to fan: I am the meekest pile of insecurity on the planet... except when I'm a raging egomaniac who masturbates while looking in the mirror

"The actual dangerous gateway drug? Alcohol." Yeah, a gateway to hilarious times, bonding with friends, and enjoyment of life!

Why wasn't Al Yankovic invited to serenade Michael Jackson's casket? (I suppose "Eat It" would have been a questionable song choice at his funeral... there is a "Smooth Cannibal" pun somewhere in there.)

Me: "At least w/ relationships you know what kind of crazy you get." Friend: "Eh, small comfort for trading away sex w/ everyone on earth."

Poster for horror movie Orphan asks: "What is wrong with Esther?" My first thought: "She isn't a Jewish grandmother and her name is Esther."

I almost tweeted a conversation that included my observation "you could just use the puke as lube," but then decided against it... oh, wait, I just did.

To bisexual friend: "Is it a 'bromance' when you date another guy, or is that just when the clear sexual tension is never openly addressed?"

I saw a hippy digging through garbage to eat people's rotten leftovers; they are the enemy of my enemy, but hippies are so goddamned rancid.

you lose some followers, you gain some--if they aren't in it for the long haul, fuck 'em, they were never fans to begin with...

Millennials: the first generation to shift leftward instead of rightward as we age?

refined urban elites vs. "common sense" bumpkins is not exactly a new paradigm; Aesop came up w/ Town Mouse & Country Mouse in like 500 B.C.

pull-ups, weights, cardio, fish oil... soon I will no longer be able to pinch my belly together so it looks like a super hairy vagina! :-(

There is a C-SPAN3? Really? My basic cable package (with its paltry C-SPAN and C-SPAN2) is clearly lacking the excitement I crave.

"That sounds about as appetizing as the Cock Flavored Soup I saw in a bodega last year -- it had a picture of a chicken, not... um... the other kind."

I look like Wolverine, right? if only I had a healing factor for beer calories.

I'm a capitalist, but right-wingers don't understand that games need rules -- "whoever grabs the Monopoly money wins" is only for toddlers.

"Gettin' women is easy. Anyone can get a woman. Gettin' money, now THAT'S difficult."--my grandfather

Friend: "I had breakfast at the new Chick-fil-A." Me: "Where did you have diarrhea?"

Sen. Grassley (R-Iowa) to Sotomayor: "you measure up to [an] empathy standard; that worries me." This is not a winning political strategy...

A wise ____ (insert any race here) would make better decisions than an unwise ____ (repeat). Can we please change topics?

I won't use a grater the next time I make salsa -- the onion eye-burn is worse than anything our previous VP could dream up

Culture War increasingly resembles Brave New World: "I am an Alpha; I'm so glad I'm an Alpha..." "I am a Gamma; I'm so glad I'm a Gamma..."

Buzz Aldrin calls for Mars homesteading -- in space, can anyone hear your colonoscopy?

In 2002 Aldrin punched a "moon truther" in the face; prosecutors filed no charges. Note to self: become an American hero, commence punching.

isn't the confederate flag a symbol of treason? and yet, those who salute this unpatriotic icon are the first to question their fellow citizens' patriotism...

Headline: "Alaskan Supermarkets Move Mouthwash Behind the Counter to Reduce Alcohol Abuse" (I'm an Alaskan born & bred so let me tell you: Listerine is an OK buzz but ANTIFREEZE makes the *best* cocktails!)

I find Scarlett Johansson incredibly attractive... until she opens her mouth and speaks with the voice of Boris Karloff.

as a writer, is it better to encapsulate your age or be ahead of your time? luckily I am so goddamned talented I have no need to choose.

"I'll go write in a coffee shop... who writes in *coffee shops* anymore? Where is my turtleneck?"

I am not so foolish as to question a gay dude's fashion sense...

Doritos® Late Night™ chips: keep you up til morning, but partying will be the last thing on your mind... (I should have gone into marketing)

placard said "NO DUMPING" right beside a portable toilet... (can't make this shit up)

right-wingers become "liberal" tax-and-spenders whenever religious iconography--or bloody, senseless war--is involved.

creepiest people in the world: those who care nothing for guilt or innocence, only punishment... how does a human brain GET that fucked up?!

libertarians ignore the needs of the collective; socialists ignore the rights of the individual. ideal government balances these two things.

cooking drunk is more fun than I expected... I mean, "dangerous" & "inadvisable." (I also mean dinner last night, not breakfast this morning.)

artistic irony: the works of those who invent a formula never seem formulaic, no matter how many imitators come along

did I imply I'm lifting weights to get in shape? I meant: I *naturally* have the body of a Nordic godling; pain simply makes me feel mortal.

buddies mock each other, right? whenever I bust my friends' balls (uh...) I get "whoa, dude, that was harsh -- what is *wrong* with you?"

I was skeptical about gov't health care--competition should improve products & lower rates--but I can't find a plan that covers gonorrhea as a preexisting condition. damn this yellowish discharge!

(girlfriend would like you to know that I don't actually have gonorrhea... the funny thing is I haven't told her about the HPV.)

15 percent of guys can't put on a condom correctly? it's not rocket science--it's pocket rocket science!

Former Bush official says universal health care is a bad idea because gov't always commits "fraud" and "mismanagement." And he would know...

stretch of my music collection: Joe Strummer, Joey Ramone, John Lennon, John Denver, Johnny Cash--I should try listening to LIVING musicians

Americans who burn books are NOT Americans

I think my nipple hair is longer than average -- I have one that's like three inches! At least my back is smooth... you should see my taint.

(...and reviewers have called me the most promising literary voice of my generation--my obituaries will all contain the word "squandered.")

rule for success: stop saying "I want to be," start saying "I am." For example, "I *am* the greatest writer to walk the earth in 1000 years"

sorry, I was a little drunk when I typed that last post... I am not the greatest writer in 1,000 years. How long ago was Homer?

the solution to a (perceived) liberal bias is not a *conservative* bias!

"don't worry, the accidental pregnancy is all part of God's plan.... to make your life miserable"

"your wedding invite had 'attending w/ pleasure' & 'not attending w/ regret.' where is 'not attending w/ pleasure' & 'attending w/ regret'?"

best drinking advice I've ever received--from my Irish friend's dad: "never mix the grape with the grain." (my friend & I should listen!)

on my third glass of wine I referred to Brian Williams as "Brian Wilson." NBC anchorman... Beach Boys songwriter... what's the difference?

to my writer friend Nick Antosca: "that's a great author photo, dude -- if I didn't know you, I'd want to punch you."

"When our dads saw the Beatles live, do you think they realized they had just witnessed Mozart, Beethoven and Bach perform? And, uh, Ringo?"

I shop at Whole Foods occasionally, but the experience always makes me feel like such a tool -- "fair trade" can bite my cheap Jewish ass.

sex gurus are old news -- I want to hear about sex muumuus.

An effective headline shatters your core faith in the basic decency of mankind. Thanks, Time magazine: "Big Tobacco Sets Its Sights on Africa"

put on 5 pounds over 9 hours of drinking yesterday. luckily I lost 5 pounds over 9 hours of puking today. (I am never drinking again... for the 3rd time this year.)

when you treat your body like garbage, it has a way of returning the favor...

"I feel so bad that the belligerent homeless dude harassed you for looking gay... and yet I feel so secure that he didn't harass ME."

my friend invited me to a bar w/ "famed 'Eye Opener' special (8 a.m.–10 a.m.; $1.75 buckets of Coors)" -- he knows me too well...

"Is there a female equivalent of Viagra?" Yes -- his name is Marty Beckerman.

I'm a secularist but I hesitate to call myself a "secular humanist" b/c that would imply faith in Man's ability to *not* fuck everything up.

I need to buy a new vacuum cleaner. the old one  got clogged w/ amniotic fluid and chunks of proto-flesh...

I cooked crêpes: dark choc. w/ blueberries, powdered sugar & Hershey's syrup... I think I need to go wrestle a bear to regain my masculinity (the non-human kind of bear, I mean... although the human kind could teach me a lot about masculinity, I suppose...)

I'd take this "abs class," but then I'd feel bad for humiliating all the other students w/ my preternaturally chiseled 8-pack.

Irish friend: "They opened a fuckin' massive IKEA in Dublin." Me: "Finally! A giant embarrassing cheap shitty store you can't blame on us!"

modern conservatism: the sexualization of abhorrence + the abhorrence of sexuality

modern conservatism is treason cloaking itself in patriotism -- you cannot oppose 70+% of the Bill of Rights and claim you ♥ America.

FATTIES RUIN EVERYTHING--SACRIFICE YOURSELVES TO A FUCKING VOLCANO DEITY, FATTIES!

suffocating! we are SUFFOCATING beneath their cascading rolls of unburnt margarine & corn syrup! FAT ACCEPTANCE = SURRENDER!!!

(some people cannot lose weight despite trying; they are exempt from my wrath. however, if you CAN lose 100 lbs. and choose NOT to do so...)

Screaming babies make good arguments for abortion wherever they are -- movie theaters, airplanes, hospital delivery rooms...

CNN story: "Saudi man arrested over TV sex boast." I totally fucked that dude's sister. (just kidding, dude! please don't honor kill me!)

I was brilliant tonight. one of the few occasions when I introduce myself as "our generation's most interesting person" AND live up to it.

I should probably be concerned my girlfriend forwarded an article titled "Are you a praise junkie?" You still love me, right? Baby? I'm OK?? (girlfriend: "you are the light of my life, the most important person in the history of the world and the greatest writer since Shakespeare." she knows just what to say... PRAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSE!)

whenever a right-winger bashes Europe, ask if he has ever actually visited; I guarantee you the answer is "no" 99% of the time

I enjoy the company of intellectually honest, intellectually *capable* conservatives, but they are a vanishing minority

I hope moderates can retake their party, but that won't happen until right-wingers stop glorifying stupidity & injecting testosterone.

middle-aged rural men of America: there is a cure for impotence; you no longer need to be angry all the time!

always a strange experience: watching adults, supposedly enlightened by their years on earth, spew viewpoints that I outgrew by 22

it's a catch-22: "persecution" (also known as truth) makes political crazies act crazier, but if nobody corrects them, ever more gullible people will listen

I don't suffer for my art; my readers suffer *from* my art!

since when is a smiley face illegal? is criminalizing the smiley face another malevolent scheme of the tyrannical misanthrope Mr. Yuk??

Whoa, I actually made a G-rated joke; what is happening to me? why are innocent woodland critters surrounding me like in Sleeping Beauty?!

"passion always drives out reason"~Baltasar Gracián Y Morales, 1601-1658 (...and yet, sometimes it's unreasonable to be dispassionate.)

lifting weights: healthy; admiring my bod in mirror during sex: probably unhealthy. (didn't Bateman do this in American Psycho? oh Jesus...) I do not own any Phil Collins music. I do not own any chainsaws

why is this D.C. "beer summit" a big deal? I have a beer summit with myself every morning.

girlfriend: "you *have* to give your subway seat to a preggo woman--it's like mandatory!" me: "why? I have no particular sexual interest..."

(I DO give my subway seat to pregnant women--and elderly women! but elderly men? forget it, gramps--you fought Hitler; now fight arthritis.)

girlfriend, a Red Sox fan, is sad about Big Papi's steroids scandal. "Maybe the test was wrong," I said. "He ate too many Papi-seed bagels!"

wait, you mean the world doesn't revolve around me? I'm confused... and a little shattered...

"Do some books deserve to be published even if nobody [buys] them?" Most *bestselling* books don't deserve publication!

"It's not our job to appeal to the lowest common denominator... it's our job to raise it."--The West Wing

publishers owe the public good books--not just marketable ones--but good books must have a market to justify publication.

it's possible to enjoy the non-bigoted book of a bigoted person, but the enjoyment is cautious and lessened (of course future generations will probably judge us for eating meat & using computers as slaves, so it's tough to finger-wag)

looks like the lightning storm is clearing -- is it safe to take a shower now? because I usually like to bathe myself before 4:00

(did I say "bathe myself"? I meant, "have my assistant bathe me." Assistant! Get your tongue over here!)

Headline: "Bad language could be good for you, a new study shows." No wonder I feel so healthy!