Twitter Archive (January-February 2010)

I am watching a BBC documentary titled "My Big Breasts and Me." Wow, public television is so much better across the pond! (I can't masturbate to Antiques Roadshow. Not most of the time anyway.)

Headline: "Pope John Paul II whipped himself." Oh, come on, it's not *that* weird; he just didn't have a woman to do it like the rest of us.

Girlfriend, waking from nap: "In my dream I gave you a blow job." Me: "The great thing about America is you can make dreams become reality."

A college student asked me if it's wrong to drink alone. "Dude, you're in college," I replied. "Alcoholism doesn't exist until you turn 30."

Ideals can make you a human; ideology will make you an animal.

CNN.com headline: "Are you a sex addict? How to tell..." Um, I don't think that sex addicts have spare time on their hands to read the news. (They have other things on their hands... in and on.)

Woman complained about her baby's soiled diapers. My first impulse was to say, "Why not commit infanticide?" Some people have no sense of humor.

CNN.com headline: "Poll: Most dissatisfied with democracy." Shall we put it to a vote?

In a dictatorship, intelligent people can say nothing. In a democracy, unintelligent people can say everything.

Your college nostalgia is getting out of hand when you pine for another meal at the cafeteria. (We only remember the good times, not the dysentery times.)

Wow, I am becoming a goddamned hippy: I just paid 10 cents extra for cage-free eggs. Whatever happened to my huevos? (To make up for purchasing cage-free eggs like a bleeding-heart granola-munching pinko, I will now exclusively consume steak from caged cows.)

Whenever someone who enjoys clubbing dies violently, the world gets a little better. (clubbing as in going to nightclubs, not as in heroically clubbing people who go to nightclubs. All of these idiots are miserable, yet wear masks of joy. YOUR LIVES ARE MEANINGLESS, END THEM ALREADY.)

The inventor of the Easy-Bake Oven has died. Will his remains be cremated at 110 degrees?

I am in a faux-euro coffee shop, writing in a Moleskine notebook. Where is my turtleneck sweater? And my beret? And my dignity?

Authoritarians always consider themselves the arbiters of authenticity.

I no longer enjoy getting as drunk as I can & insulting everyone in sight; prefer bottle of wine & meaningful conversation. Goodbye, youth.

Sometimes I wonder if the GOP will moderate in years to come and I'll forget why I ever bashed it. Then I remember: humans rarely live past 100.

Journalists should have opinions, not affiliations. You can objectively make the case for an idea, sometimes a candidate, but never a party.

If you want history to judge you kindly, pledge your support to a set of ideals, not a party, because party lines change; justice never does.

If there were no religious fundamentalists I would consider faith -- but their urine pollutes the pool and I'm not swimming.

All fundamentalists are the same, no matter their faith. The religion is irrelevant; it's the degree.

had a dream I moved to L.A. I would do it, but at least in NYC I don't have to pay for a car while getting my soul crushed on a daily basis.

Friend visiting Australia: "I ate kangaroo last night -- it's pretty good actually." Me: "YOU MONSTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (how does koala taste?)"

An editor needed a writer to perform/receive weird sex acts for an article. Naturally I'm the first she approached. My career is going well.

They always said I had an attitude problem. Maybe their problem was having no attitude.

The pitfall of intelligence is presuming that other people share yours.

If you would replace an honest society with a polite society, you are a danger to a free society.

If John Mayer's "dick is a white supremacist," then mine is a self-hating Jew.

When I was 10 I called Marvel Comics and asked the editor how much writing X-Men pays. Him: "$13,000 if you're lucky." Me: "I'M GONNA BE SO RICH!"

I formed "I ♥ U" w/ 100 Hershey's Kisses for girlfriend last Valentine's Day. This year I am tattooing the message on my taint. Romance!

Is the lobotomy required for working in Hollywood, or just highly recommended? (This is what LA does to creative people's talent: overstretches, then dilutes.)

Nothing propels you to grandeur quite like a delusion of grandeur.

Top Twitter topic is #4wordsaftersex. My contributions: "This door unlocks, right?" "Wow, I can lactate?" "Is it in yet?" "THAT was fraternity hazing?" "Handcuffs come with keys?" "WHY AREN'T YOU BREATHING?" "Quadruple penetration next time." "Thanks, enjoy the herpes!" "Do you smell blood?" "Oh, we're on camer...a." And my personal favorite: "Where is the hamster?" "Freud makes sense now." "Jeez, grandpa, you're strong!"

George Foreman grill is OK for burgers, paninis and quesadillas, but you can do way more with a skillet and spatula. And a woman. (Then again, why would you ever need any sustenance besides hamburgers and quesadillas?)

Choose pragmatism over idealism, you are a whore; choose idealism over pragmatism, a nonentity. Find a way to choose both, you are a winner.

watched "Eyes Wide Shut," couldn't suspend disbelief...I mean, the killer orgy cult was plausible enough, but Tom Cruise attracted to women?

News flash: the act of joining a political cause group on Facebook does not affect govt policy. Jesus Christ, you people are fucking idiots.

Dear evil racist old right-wingers: every time you criticize "socialism," I am tempted to read Marx with sympathetic eyes. AND I LOVE MONEY.

Fearlessness cannot be lack of fear because everyone is afraid of something, yet some people are fearless; therefore fearlessness is doing the same as you would if you *did* lack fear.

politicians have three weapons to silence opposition: fear, guilt and admirers. (you can substitute "religions" for "politicians" and "adherents" for "admirers.")

ZZ Top has six good songs and should win a Nobel Prize for each of them.

Nursing my hangover with acoustic Neil Young... it's actually working. (And now I am picturing Neil Young in a nurse's outfit. There goes my sex drive forever.)

If you go into a story with an opinion set in stone, you are a propagandist; if you let reality challenge your ideas, you are a journalist.

CNN.com headline: "Ashton Kutcher hates Valentine's Day." Jesus Christ, why does this site remain my primary news source?

don't bother to explain that you are exaggerating for comedic effect. people who lack a sense of humor also lack a sense of logic.

Friend: "I take it all back; Ayn Rand was a psychopath." Me: "Yeah, it's frustrating: 50% of her ideas are brilliant; 50% are deeply crazy."

A single book can change the world. The problem is that, in order to write a book capable of such a thing, first you must have a death wish.

Spent 10 minutes peeling some prick's gum off my shoes. We need to execute people who spit gum on the street -- they offer nothing to society. (The problem w/ the death penalty is the risk of executing innocent people, but police could run street-gum through a central DNA database.)

The only way for writers to reach my micro-blogging, multitasking generation: you make them say "WHOA," but then you make them say "whoa..."

Writer friend asks, "Should Men Wax Their Chest Hair?" My response: "You might want to change it to "Should 'Men' Wax Their Chest Hair?"

Apartment heat is not working. 26 degrees. Girlfriend did not appreciate suggestion that we sleep in the subway tunnels "like the Morlocks." (Fact: I am the living definition of chivalry.)

You know how Republicans don't believe exposure to extreme cold is torture? My boiler is broken. It is so torture. (Fun Factoid: I haven't showered in 41 hours. Anyone feel like hanging out today?)

Boiler fixed. Just took my first shower in 50 hours. How do taxi drivers do it?

Theocrats who seek to overturn sep. of church & state expect its protections when convenient, as if the First Amendment is a one-way street.

The death of fundamentalism will be the liberation of humanity--unless fundamentalism causes the death of humanity first.

Giving blood as I type. I'm doing it for the free Oreos, not to be a good human being. Oreos fucking rule. (I was hoping that texting while donating would make the needle come loose, spraying quarts of plasma and hemoglobin everywhere... No luck.)

There comes a time in a man's life for him to admit that better things happen on days when he does not don his lucky underwear.

J.D. Salinger is dead. It is so sad that John Lennon's true killer will never face the justice he so richly deserves.

Yes, it is inexplicable that Mr. I Hate Everyone cares about civil discourse, but I would like to think my contradictions are my strengths.

The idiots of the world demand your silence until they realize other idiots admire you, in which case they applaud any idiot thing you say.

A society unwilling to help its artists survive is not a society that deserves survival.

If the publishing industry is afraid of people downloading books for free, why not stop publishing worthless books? (When I learned my book was pirated, my initial reaction was outrage--then I realized the pirates were doing my publicist's job better.)

At birthday dinner I ordered a coconut mojito, not realizing it's served *in* a coconut. Friend: "Your present is growing a vagina!" (yes, there is a photo of me drinking rum out of a coconut w/ a yellow umbrella straw. perhaps you will see it someday when I am long dead. As penance I am going to eat steak--raw, obviously--right before I chop down a redwood in my favorite lumberjack shirt...plaid, obviously.)

Sometimes people have dreams. Sometimes dreams get crushed. Sometimes people find new dreams. Sometimes that new dream is male prostitution.

Allowing corporations to give politicians $$ is like... um... jeez, I can't think of a metaphor because NOTHING ELSE IS THAT FUCKING STUPID.

Good writing is moral. Bad writing is moralistic.

Realization #1: Voters love a good-looking asshole. Realization #2: I am eligible for the U.S. Senate in a few years. (Nah, there will never be a Senator Beckerman; I am a terrible liar, so I would make a terrible politician.)

NY mag headline: "What makes New Yorkers happy?" Ha. Ha. Ho. Ho. Hee. Hee. Hee. Hee. Nothing.

In NY you spot tourists by their weight; it's not like Chicago where you can tell by their lack of it.

I feel better and better about registering independent; I can sleep well knowing I belong neither to the Evil Party nor the Useless Party.

You know what is going to be hilarious? When everyone who prefers Leno over Conan dies over the next 10 to 15 years.

Dante's Inferno is now a video game. Goddamn, I need to sell the "Generation S.L.U.T." video game rights. Imagine: Wii controller blow job competitions!

Those who despise America's founding ideals cower behind the visage of patriotism. They love their country, but not because it is this one. Love of country for devotion to "our team" is nationalism. Love of country for devotion to Justice, Freedom & Equality is patriotism.

it is uncouth to brag about donating to charity, especially when people are dying; therefore I shall not tweet about my saintly, life-saving benevolence.

I do not know why mosquitoes enjoy biting my nipples so much. Maybe because I have such incredibly delicious nipples? Oh, right, that's why.

Science Channel documentary showed old vacuum cleaner ad: "Don't kill your wife with work--let electricity do it!" Difficult to misconstrue.

Ireland punishes blasphemy with €25,000 fine. As if withdrawing from civilization weren't bad enough, there goes the average whiskey budget.

Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and... fuck it, I'm going back to sleep.

Girlfriend: "Use a clean towel." Me: "Why?" Gf: "You've had that one for a month!" Me: "Oh..." Gf: "How did you not know?" Me: "Um, because I'm a man?"

This fat chick needs to stop crying about how she hates being fat; crying only makes her look fatter.

Time mag: "Adult Obesity Linked with Traumatic Childhood Experiences." Another link? EATING TOO GODDAMN MUCH.

Bakery is selling "deep fried cupcakes." I'm libertarian on social issues but for the sake of my chiseled jaw these must be criminalized.

How drunk was I on New Year's Eve ? When friend told me "you look drunk," I screamed "I'M NOT DRUNK" and threw my drink in his face. (Also I fell out of a chair, and on the ground kept muttering, "I'm going to die, I'm going to die, I'm going to die, I'm going to die, I'm..." Classy!)

Me: "I feel kinda embarrassed about New Year's Eve." Friend: "Yeah, I went to say goodbye to you, and could only hear you hurling in the bathroom." Me: "Keep those memories; I'll need them when I write my book about joining Alcoholics Anonymous in 2015."

Girlfriend (watching TV):"This show is about a middle-aged gay man who scours the world picking up antiques." Me: "Is there any other kind of middle-aged gay man?"

Some people think I'm a misogynist, so let me be clear: if women ran the world, there would be no war. (p.s. women will never run the world.)