Twitter Archive (February-May 2009)

  • I am a tool. I follow trends. I have no will of my own. I tweet because the media told me. I am a robot, programmable and weak.
  • every time I think to myself "wow it's been forever since I had a zit," I wake up the next day w/ one that feels like a tumor/baseball/fetus
  • right-wingers are incapable of creating Art of any kind besides war propaganda, so instead they seek to purge it from the world. Fact.
  • am I alone in feeling that I've accomplished something in the course of a day whenever I trim my pubes? (I should accomplish better things.)
  • an open bar is an earthly slice of heaven, albeit hell the next morning
  • "Jesus, if I were allergic to chocolate I would just get it over with and put a bullet in my fuckin' head"--Me, drunk, to chick w/ allergies
  • Al Pacino to play Dr. Kevorkian -- seems appropriate considering his '00s career suicide.
  • Congress won't let Obama close Guantanamo... the good news: this means he can imprison Cheney there forever.
  • Accusations of narcissism used to bother me, but then I realized I'm the only person in the world whose opinions matter.
  • gf's coworker: "My dad used to spank me -- he'd ask if I wanted it under or over my panties." Me: "That's what I asked [gf] earlier today!"
  • At party last night: somebody took their 80-year-old grandma and ABANDONED her; out of pity I talked to her for hours, which looked so cool.
  • I asked the old lady where her granddaughter went: "Oh, she's... you know... 'networking'... which is *very* important..." Broke my ♥.
  • By the way, have you ever talked to senior citizens while drunk out of your mind? It's fucking HILARIOUS!!!
  • Waking up hungover: lame. Waking up hungover, wearing a used condom: awesome.
  • Friend: "So the granny did more than we thought?" Me: "I'm not sure if I was fucking a vagina or just some wrinkled groin flesh."
  • "You are your own worst enemy... know your enemy."--Green Day
  • And now comes to fun part: seeing what happens when I mix vodka, rum, wine and tequila.... and a gallon of amazing homemade guacamole
  • Drunk me to drunk girlfriend at publishing party: "We're the new Zelda and Scott!" On second thought this is probably an unhealthy ambition.
  • Republicans want Pelosi investigated for knowing what Bush/Cheney ordered, but not Bush/Cheney for ordering it? WTF?
  • "You don't think guys have periods too? All week I've been emotional, craving chocolate, and my mangina is hemorrhaging blood!"
  • "Once I made peace with the fact I was inappropriately drunk, I had a really good time!"
  • At publishing party: spilled wine on my shirt, repeatedly introduced myself as an alcoholic and announced "I am the only straight man here!"
  • Note to self: next time someone offers free red wine from a twist-off bottle, I should not drink 5 glasses... going to be a rough morning
  • Matthue, I am sorry for trying to set you on fire last night. That would have been a total party foul.
  • Advice on dealing with undergraduate hippie: "Smack him in the fuckin' face and see if he's a pacifist then!"
  • the slow, painful death of the Republican Party continues... it's kind of ironic they oppose assisted suicide
  • A social conservative: someone who endlessly whines about his or her endangered "liberty," yet demands the curtailment of everybody else's
  • "Poppin' Claritin like I pop snitches, blowin' my nose like I get blown by bitches..." Why is allergy-related hip-hop appearing in my brain?
  • Writing is rewriting... and rewriting... and alcoholism... and rewriting... and suicide... and rewriting...
  • Beckerman's Law of Politics: the degree of somebody's anger is proportional to the likelihood they don't know jack shit about anything
  • (by the way, that works both ways: angry people can't think logically, and happy people aren't paying attention....)
  • Authors in Russia can sue book reviewers for negative press. As an American I'm disgusted; as an author, however...
  • Star Trek is great in IMAX, but I'd prefer an interactive holodeck version WHERE I COULD LIVE FOREVER
  • Seriously, potential summer roommates, proclaiming yourself "awesome" = immediate disqualification. My ego takes up too much space as it is.
  • key to future GOP relevance: stop labeling necessary government as authoritarianism and vice versa
  • Zach Braff's attempt to grow a beard is pitiable and revolting, as if he smeared roadkill across his face and assumed he looks like Eastwood
  • Most of us, liberal and conservative, criticize our gov't because we love our country, but Noam Chomsky seems pathologically anti-American.
  • We must study our mistakes to live up to our ideals, but Chomsky sneers at the notion we *have* ideals.
  • during a CBS News story on how the recession is changing American gender roles, my girlfriend said, "Oh honey it's just like us!"
  • Cinco de Mayo bar party w/ free tequila or Cinco de Mayo bar party w/ free guacamole.... truly the most difficult decision of my adult life.
  • Me earlier today: "I would attend your event but it's scheduled during the season finale of Lost, and I'd skip most of my friends' funerals"
  • Of course the Catholic hierarchy doesn't allow touching at its university... they have preschools for that kind of thing.
  • When I agree with the mainstream, I praise the wisdom of crowds; when I disagree, I curse the fascism of the human soul. Hypocrisy?
  • Sometimes I put cereal in the refrigerator and milk in the cabinet. And book reviewers have actually called me "genius."
  • quote that best summarizes my weekend: "Let's record the song about alcoholism before we record the song about abortion!"
  • I stubbed the fuck out of my toe and now I can't walk for shit... also, I am the most eloquent writer of the 21st century
  • I procrastinated by reading an article on our collective lack of attention span but couldn't get through the whole thing... Jesus H. Christ.
  • reading book of Bukowski short stories (The Most Beautiful Woman in Town) and feeling inadequate as a literary line-crosser *and* alcoholic
  • "hope! change! wooooooooo!" was so much more fun than hour-long economic policy rundowns...
  • Headline of the Day: "Not swine flu: Plane's passengers had too much to drink"
  • "Hello, I'm from the media... may I sell you some fear? Do you prefer economic collapse or death via craigslist? Swine flu, you say? Perfect!"
  • to all the idiots horrified over swine flu: you are an easily manipulated hysterical tool with no balls or mind of your own. This is all.
  • "Cynics once said a black man will become president 'when pigs fly,' and 100 days later... indeed, swine 'flu'!"--Robert A. George
  • With people saying "swine" every other word, I'd like to think that Hunter S. Thompson is smiling somewhere
  • Dos Equis can go fuck itself... *I* am the most interesting man in the world!
  • headline of the day: "Best-selling author shaped by cannibals, Christianity"
  • just sliced my hand open on a broken glass... and now I'm tweeting about it... "you know you're addicted to Twitter when"
  • "I call on all governments to join...in prohibiting, investigating, and prosecuting all acts of torture"-G.W. Bush, 2003
  • "it wasn't tax day that made them crazy; it was election day...when Republicans became what they fear most: a minority"--Bill Maher
  • why do I only get 2% of my thoughts on paper?
  • after exiting my soul-searching early 20s, I strangely feel like my teenage self again... walked a long weird road to come back to my center
  • half a day of drinking wine in the sun and I won't have a hangover.... ohhhhhhhhhh, the lies I tell myself.....
  • senior military interrogator: "Our policy of torture ... is Al-Qaeda’s number one recruiting tool."
  • "Bacon sandwich really does cure a hangover" -- for some reason I don't think Al-Jazeera will be reporting this story...
  • sometimes it's best to walk away from a political argument with a friend... it's tough but it builds character. (p.s. my friend is a Nazi.)
  • to girlfriend this morning: "I'm a man, all right? I don't 'notice' things..."
  • Girlfriend sent me an article titled "'Faulty' Genes Make Jews Smarter." Naturally I made a comment about the benefits of ingesting my DNA.
  • The Nintendo Store at Rockefeller Center is amazing -- you can play video games for hours! For free! (*Nothing* is free in Manhattan!)
  • might have to buy a Wii just for Mario Kart. That game is amazing--it's like they took the SNES version and let a kid with ADD redesign it.
  • gourmet organic whole grain DOG FOOD w/ filet mignon(!!!) is pretty fucking grotesque when American families are living in tents
  • Dear Republicans: it is not "taxation without representation." YOU FUCKING LOST.
  • At the risk of sounding un(Becker)manly, the Starbucks apple chai is friggin' delicious... now back to my regularly scheduled bourbon.
  • if anything has changed about my humor over time, it's that my sexism is now ironic, not genuine; women are truly the equals of human beings
  • to my friend greg 5 seconds ago: "you gotta exchange the boxers for boxer-briefs, man... they take so little and make it look like so much"
  • making people owe me favors is awesome.... especially since I will need a new liver someday... probably Wednesday
  • "A man does not wither at the thought of dancing. But it is generally to be avoided."--Esquire
  • I was carded at a bar. A midget then said to me, "I know exactly what it feels like... everyone thinks I'm a child at first." Awwwkward.
  • Republicans: people who demand ungodly expensive wars but don't expect to pay a dime in taxes
  • When we replace oil with human waste, antiwar protesters will need to refine their slogans--"No Blood for Stool" is just appalling...
  • by "centrist" I don't mean cowards who split the difference for the sake of splitting the difference; I mean people who aren't fucking crazy
  • hope you are enjoying your spring holiday, whether it involves bread that doesn't rise or a corpse that does
  • does humanity change over time, or do we simply change costumes and stage the same play over and over, time after time?
  • I need to learn to use my infinite wisdom to *help* the commoners instead of judge them... it is so lonely on my perch of truth & beauty.
  • I demand the right to wed myself -- my love is more real and life-affirming than you Nazis could ever understand
  • did I go from centrist to screaming liberal in the past year or did I simply ride w/ the center leftward? (Ain't no quo like the status quo)
  • the center will eventually move rightward again--will I ride it back, or stay in dirtyhippyville? (The internal agony of the swing voter...)
  • Am I preachy? Am I everything I loathe in reverse? Is everyone?
  • almost stuck my finger in a mousetrap, thinking the object under the couch was a shoe--book reviewers have called me "genius"/"brilliant"???
  • man commits suicide in the middle of "Watchmen" -- I didn't think it was *that* bad!
  • ....and sometimes you just feel like listening to Jimmy Buffett.... it's natural, and there's no reason to feel ashamed.... much....
  • "vegetarianism is an eating disorder practiced mostly by pale, flaky, tedious extremists like Hitler"--Giles Coren
  • the hardest part of writing is not "getting started," it's the inevitable (yet unforeseen) suicide due to your disappointment with Man
  • in 25 years conservatives will accept gay marriage--and pretend they were always for it--but claim human/android unions would wreck society 
  • the robots will then retaliate swiftly and vengefully from their impenetrable fortress on the moon
  • Human-Android marriage will destroy the traditional same-sex family.
  • going to birthday party for fraternal siblings--wonder if they would appreciate the gift of a double-ended dildo.... nah, I'll stick w/ beer
  • royally fucked up my knee by walking into the exercise machine -- isn't that kind of ironic?
  • when people praise a political book it's usually b/c they agree with it, not b/c it's well-written and certainly not b/c it makes them think
  • fundamentalism vs. freedom: the saga of our species 
  • Remember how the GOP wanted to ban the filibuster when they dominated Congress? Apparently "principles" can change
  • "Boston Legal" makes me want to be a lawyer, but I probably wouldn't get to smoke cigars and guzzle scotch with Shatner, so never mind 
  • HeaterMeals -- "meals that heat themselves...can be used as a hand or body warmer - you can even sit on it!"
  • to dumped bisexual friend: "There are more fish in the sea, buddy--or should I say, 'There are more fishermen'?" Ha! Ha! God I am hilarious.
  • do you think "Altoids Smalls" will enhance a B.J. like regular Altoids, or make it curiously weak?
  • the enlightened of every age are forced to choose: die trying to save the idiots from themselves, or live a solitary existence? 
  • oops I already told girlfriend my blood test was clean. ("baby, we need to have a serious discussion... about HIV" would be a classic prank) 
  • You know the word we should *really* ban? Easy: "ban"
  • spent a couple hours alphabetizing my hundreds of books... now I can never finish reading them in the right order 
  • when a zillionaire radio host whines that taxing the rich instead of the middle class is "tyranny," perhaps it's not b/c he cares about you?
  • decided to try a new brand of bourbon at the bar--friend Kyle said, "I'm getting drunk off the *fumes* of that glass." Mmmmm-mmmmm-mmmmmm...
  • discovered the horrendously (read: wonderfully) indulgent creation known as "Oreo Fudgies." I am never eating anything else again.
  • "What's a 'sexy' food? Chocolate? I just don't see the appeal -- I mean, I like to *eat* food, and occasionally have sex with it, but...."
  • the doctor wouldn't--couldn't--stop gushing about how I am the healthiest human being he has ever encountered. "Superman has come to life."
  • no coffee today after I pretty much gave myself a heart attack yesterday.... coincidentally I am getting 50,000% less work done
  • On the seventh day God rested. On the eighth day He created Chipotle Mexican Grill and said, "Now THAT is freakin' good...."
  • going in for a physical today--maybe I'll list all the symptoms of syphilis just to see the look on the doc's face when he connects the dots
  • I'm convinced the politics obsession uses the same neural pathways as the sports obsession, but politics is more aggressive
  • Aspiring authors often ask me how to overcome writer's block. Answer: coffee + "Bodies" by the Sex Pistols + more coffee + bigger speakers
  • crashing from 6 cups of coffee.... so *this* is what death feels like....
  • people at Herald Square distributing free condoms from trash bags.... uh.... thanks but no thanks; I prefer to forage for my own 
  • An interview with myself? I'm not sure I could write objectively after the mid-Q&A sexual encounter...
  • College students don't read great literature anymore? They read *ME* -- Shakespeare can choke on Swamp Thing's muddy cock.
  • the soda is really called "MTN Dew" now? Jss mthrfckng Chrst.
  • the sin of '00s conservatism: mistaking lawful order for tyranny (economics) while mistaking tyranny for law and order (everything else)
  • my television just turned on by itself..... the remote is across the room..... I don't know how I feel about this, but I'm a little scared. 
  • had a cupcake for bedtime snack... cupcake for breakfast... cupcake for lunch... why did girlfriend and I bake these awful wonderful things?
  • did I type "girlfriend and I" baked cupcakes? I meant "my slavish, domestic, patriarchy-crushed homemaking womanservant" baked cupcakes
  • A few days ago I was in the best shape in years--regular jogging, dozens of daily pull-ups--then I started eating cupcakes for every meal...
  • religion is like salt -- a tiny amount makes things interesting, but any more is hard to swallow
  • cow urine soda in India--my favorite reader comment: "We've been drinking this in the USA for years now; we call it 'American Beer'"
  • had a fish taco for dinner... I'm not making a sophomoric comment; I actually had a fish taco for dinner. It was delicious--just like pussy. 
  • "You don't have a clean sports bra? Would my hands work?" 
  • is it a bad sign when my girlfriend plays "All By Myself" while I'm in the room, spending time w/ my true love Twitter? 
  • "Synecdoche, New York" is the most unpleasant movie ever made -- a nihilistic, meaningless, miserable waste of 2 hours that feel like 2,000 
  • watching "Superman Returns" -- sweet jesus this movie is more boring than an Alzheimer's patient in the final hours of life
  • NJ drops bikini wax ban -- congratulations, Garden State singles, you can now *see* your lovers' herpes! 
  • A great defense of alcohol consumption: live better, not longer!
  • @martybeckerman oh my god you are the funniest and most attractive person in the world
  • @martybeckerman thanks -- you are too kind and generous and selfless and compassionate and giving, but I humbly accept your praise
  • After 8 years of Jesus Freak Nazi Psychos running our country, I almost forgot the insufferable sanctimony of humorless goddamned hippies
  • I enjoyed "The People vs. Larry Flynt," but Courtney Love was totally unbelievable as a crazy junkie sex freak gold digger.
  • "most delicious thing" I've eaten all week? I suppose the obvious answer would be "pussy" so I'll go w/ "Danny DeVito's rectum"
  • Gandhi was a pussy -- an eye for an eye makes the world fucking awesome.
  • The greatest Bushism of all time: his memoirs will have an "authoritarian voice," not an "authoritative" one 
  • This is my world... the rest of you scum are just living in it.
  • I'd post photos of my new square cut boxer briefs, but you would all get fired for a total lack of productivity, which would be doubly cruel 
  • If you were a superhero, who would it be? I'd choose Professor X so I could wear adult diapers without quite as much shame.
  • Wine is the only drink that enhances the writing process for me--Pasteur said a bottle contains more philosophy than all books in the world
  • must come to terms with the fact that @ 26 I am no longer a prodigy, and merely a genius
  • almost used the phrase "when I was your age" w/ college student. jesus fucking christ, what happened to my youth? ROSSSSSSSSSEBUUUUUUUUD!!!!
  • Channel is now "Syfy" because it's the 21st Century and abbreviations need their own goddamn abbreviations
  • A St. Patty's Day message from Marty Beckerman, America's Drunkest Living Writer: green beer is for pussies -- I'm chugging green Listerine.
  • Me: "The streets are flowing with vomit over there, right?" Irish friend Liam: "Oh yes... oh sweet God yes."
  • p.s. I went to Ireland last summer and had a wonderful time, although I don't remember any of it. 
  • Ireland is the one place in the world I've traveled where the people are proud of their national stereotype
  • The definition of irony: War Criminal Dick Cheney criticizing Barack Obama for "massive expansion" of gov't 
  • At least 3 percent of D.C. residents are infected with HIV -- I *knew* the tap water tasted weird for a reason.... 
  • Isn't the phrase "Bush Library" an oxymoron (with emphasis on the "-moron")?
  • (The George W. Bush Presidential Center in Dallas, Texas: getting there is torture, but you'll never leave.)
  • Off to 3 parties in the East Village -- good thing I don't drink anymore since tomorrow
  • just overheard two drunk chicks in E. Village discussing optimal techniques for wiping their asses. NYC has the classiest women in the world
  • wondering why it took me 26 years to use the phrase "majesticles" 
  • Twitter is great for making money -- if you happen to teach "How to Make Money w/ Twitter" classes for gullible fucking idiots. 
  • Ayn Rand is apparently making a comeback -- I'll read "Atlas Shrugged" again if someone abridges it to a slightly more readable 75,000 pages 
  • by the way, I loved Ayn Rand in high school, but soon realized that fundamentalists are equally psychotic with or without religion 
  • waiting for facebook to upgrade me to its new version; this is more dread-inducing than the minute before a pregnancy test reads your urine 
  • p.s. I like to pee on pregnancy tests in my spare time just in case I need to stick a coat hanger up my vagina and scrape around for zygotes 
  • 99% of musicians shouldn't play music, 99% of artists shouldn't paint, and 99% of writers shouldn't write -- if you don't have talent, STOP! 
  • my posts are sounding negative but I am actually feeling great & in my best physical shape since 2007 -- cynicism is a sign of health for me 
  • just had the most delicious brownie in the world but my heartbeat doesn't feel right -- is there something wrong with 7000 calories at once?
  • Anyone else get the feeling "social media" is a bunch of worthless trendy cacophonous bullshit and 99% of the people who use it should die?
  • by the way, telling my Twitter readers that 99% of social media freaks should drop dead is *ironic*.............................and true
  • I was invited to something called "3rd Annual Shaken Baby Syndrome Candlelight Vigil." Jesus Christ, that sounds hilarious.
  • drinking Portuguese wine (very good) and getting some writing done
  • p.s. nothing wrong with drinking 5 glasses of wine by myself -- THE MUSE is my companion
  • % of nonreligious Americans doubles in 20 years -- would it be wrong to thank God?
  • could use a deep tissue massage after exercising three days in a row -- anyone enjoy kneading hairy Jew flesh? 
  • felt emotional while listening to a Cure song -- which foods will increase my testosterone levels? Steak? Where can I get steak @ 2:45 a.m.?
  • Me last night, drinking JD on ice: "When the economy collapses, we can eat stray cats for sustenance -- those count as 'free range,' right?"
  • Can we drop Michael Moore and Rush Limbaugh on an island together? (OK not "drop," that would cause a 10.0 earthquake)
  • New meme: if you could meet 3 people in history, who would you choose? (mine: William Shakespeare, Thomas Jefferson, Jack Daniel)
  • "'I asked him to show some respect and take his clothes off,' said the nudist colony manager."
  • Worked out for the first time in months - will once again reign as America's Sexxxiest Young Journalist, not America's Fattest Piece of Shit
  • Tonight's social victories: telling writer of "The Matthew Shepard Story" he is depressing and a financial consultant she sounds like Madoff
  • Why are conservatives OK with a govt that slaughters civilians / tortures / criminalizes pursuit of happiness, but go crazy when govt *helps* people?
  • It's 12:29 p.m. and I haven't eaten anything dead today (yet).... come over here, baby cow, it's hammer time!
  • When exactly does socially acceptable nighttime drinking become socially unacceptable morning drinking? 5:00? 6:00? Noon?
  • In a freshman lit course my prof asked a question. No one answered. "Marty," he said, "get used to being surrounded by morons." I never did. 
  • every time I read passages from Wilhelm Reich's "Listen, Little Man!" it seems more like a masterpiece & less like a bizarre unhinged rant
  • managed to stay sober for 7 days before I broke, but a few glasses of wine with my parents doesn't count as "drinking," right?
  • Female Orgasm Commune -- where do I apply for a job?
  • cursing on twitter will "lose" me followers? my utter lack of good taste is the only reason anyone reads me in the first place!
  • My life is brought to you by the letter H for Hangover
  • every time I hear Frankie Vali's "Can't Take My Eyes Off You," I imagine William Shatner singing instead -- can I possibly be the only one?
  • girlfriend: "oatmeal looks like vomit" me: "yeah it's like someone puked strawberry barf and i shoved it in my mouth" gf: "like a mama bird"
  • props to CNN for juxtaposing "the science of obesity" ticker w/ Limbaugh's awful fascist speech
  • If you aren't eating Deep Chocolate VitaMuffins for breakfast, you aren't eating breakfast.
  • A reviewer once wrote that I use profanity like most people use punctuation.
  • "You're my friend, we can talk about anything, and I won't judge you.... much."
  • wishing all of you a festive Marty Gras. Ha! Ha! Oh Jesus Christ, I am hilarious. Shakespeare's puns can lick my taint.
  • It's nice to have a president who is nearly as intelligent, persuasive and charming as I am.
  • No alcohol in 96 hours proves I'm not a problem drinker... I basically *deserve* a sip... yes, bloodstream, your hunger will be sated....
  • Enjoying my first day of lifelong sobriety.... see? I didn't even *need* Alcoholics Anonymous. What a bunch of weak, codependent pussies. 
  • It would be pretty cool if they wheeled out Ledger's corpse to accept the Oscar with a sign around his dead neck that says "WHY SO SERIOUS?" 
  • thought the hangover was gone.... mistaken.... I'm never drinking alcohol again. 
  • Well, I have a subject for my next column: "Marty Beckerman Goes to AA." Ha! Ha! What a... good... joke.... ha.... ha.... help me god 
  • I'm not a peeping Tom, but if my neighbor is going to walk naked in front of her window ALL THE TIME, I'm not exactly going to close my eyes.
  • recovering from one of the top 5 worst hangovers of my life.... goddamnit, I'm too old for this shit. 
  • cleaned the apartment, did the dishes, bought groceries... Jesus Christ, I might even vacuum. I am a domestic goddess. All hail the Mangina.
  • Dear vegetarians, the chimp attack proves that animals are not our friends; they are our enemies. You are either with us or with the chimps.
  • Keeping animals in captivity is hilarious, not a "recipe for disaster." Have you never poked one with a stick?
  • "The standard strength of toilet seats is slated to triple ... to accommodate the increasing size of humans."
  • wondering if the coffee will save me from puking, or will simply provide me with coffee-flavored vomit.... life is about the journey.
  • Happy Valentine's Day, America... Was it good for you? Want a smoke? What's your name again?
  • The problem with getting older: an evolving sense of decency is coupled with the unshakable feeling that you never had enough fun.
  • love McCartney, but at this point the lyrics should be "she was just 70, if you know what I mean...."
  • need to stop speaking about unspoken rules.
  • I quit smoking by having a pack of almond M&Ms every time I wanted a cig. Oddly I still wake up with cravings for almond M&Ms.
  • debating writing a column titled "Fuck the Internet: Why Every Blogger On Earth Should Be Shoved into a Gas Chamber"
  • Being a writer in the days of Web 2.0 is like being a dentist, if millions of idiots suddenly decided to become amateur dentists
  • It appears the American two-party system is a choice between tax-raisers who don't pay their taxes and morality enforcers who have no morals
  • it's a universal phenomenon that people love you for your worst qualities as a human being, and find your decent qualities boring
  • Bruce Springsteen is the turkey sandwich of rock -- you don't mind it, and it's easy to digest, but you'll never say "that was great!"
  • Amazed how Chipotle, Budweiser, Chex Mix, Sun Chips and Oreos work in unison to make my body so lean and chiseled
  • My body is a wonderland.
  • Like this land, I was made for you and me
  • Obama got confused when he appointed a guy named Marty Lederman to his administration.... the memo said "Becker," not "Leder"!
  • I've consumed nothing but Oreos and beer since 6:00 yesterday... yet my six-pack abs are firmer than ever.
  • Girlfriend to Marty, 5 seconds ago: "I really don't think you have ADD, honey... you're just lazy."
  • I prefer American Jews to Israeli ones -- we only bomb in stand-up comedy clubs.
  • My girlfriend says after reading all the Twitter posts so far: "You are truly sick." Love you too, babe!
  • There inevitably comes a moment in your life when you realize, "I love Marty Beckerman." And then: "I am _in_ love with Marty Beckerman."
  • Oh my God my nipples are so raw and stringy now. Where is my cheese grater? They need more punishment!
  • I am going to sleep, but first I shall rub my nipples while thinking of you all. And then I shall rub my nipples while dreaming of you all.
  • I enjoy how B-vitamins make pee look like Hi-Liter ink -- if only I discovered this in college when I needed to mark up all those textbooks
  • I am trying to assemble an elliptical machine and want to smash my face into a midget's face.
  • I am growing a beard for winter. I wonder if it will capture bits of food and globs of vaginal mucous? Talk about embarrassing!