Twitter Archive (December 2009)

TV commercial: "The secret to keeping women happy is: don't only focus on the big things..." Me: "There's a secret to keeping women happy?!"

This is one of those mornings where I wake up and think, "Why can't a man respectably drink before sundown?" You know, like every morning.

If you have only had one book published, and its title is something like "How to Get Published," do all writers a favor and choke on dick.

A woman claims she lost 54 lbs. from eating Taco Bell. So did I one time, but I put it back on w/ Pepto-Bismol calories.

Stranger: "The nice thing about being a strict conservative is I look at a ballot and check all the Rs." Me: "Personally, I enjoy thinking."  (I would have said the same thing if I'd overheard, "The nice thing about being a strict liberal is I look at a ballot and check all the Ds." All fundamentalist zombies can go fuck themselves.)

Just watched 500 Days of Summer -- the sweetest, most heartwarming film of the year except for Inglorious Bastards.

Friend: "Quitting smoking = becoming a fatty." Me: "Not if you flavor your burgers with Skoal."

"more students than ever are enrolling in college journalism programs"? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA (welcome to hell, idiots)

Almost told girlfriend, "Wow, I need to shave my toe hair," but then decided not to admit that I manscape my feet.

Me: "Sometimes a man needs a place where he can crawl and hide." Girlfriend: "Yeah, it seems like you should choose a vagina over my armpit...?"

New York is beautiful when it snows -- specifically because the snow covers all the garbage & filth & dead homeless people, but I repeat myself.

No, Sarah Palin, it is not "Arrogant&Naive2say man overpwers nature." It is "Arrogant&Naive2" presume you know more about science than scientists.

USPS is in trouble for wasting $900,000 over 5 months, approx 1/8 of what Iraq war costs per hour. Yeah, the postal service is such a drain.

CNN headline: "Opinion: Hate-based violence must stop." Wow, that's a controversial opinion! (In other news: "Opinion: Candy is delicious.")

Congress is revoking Tiger Woods's Congressional Gold Medal nomination. Because NOBODY in Congress ever commits adultery.

Gf: "You can't stay inside all winter; you'll go crazy!" Me: "I'd rather have cabin fever than frostbite."

My neighbor's puppy will *not* stop yapping. Until I soak its Kibbles n Bits with Liquid Plumber, I mean. HA HA HA HA HA.

You know how frat boys say 'you wouldn't call your country a cunt so don't call your fraternity a frat'? What do they call female genitalia?

Winter blues are making me crave unhealthy food by the truckload. Or is that my menstrual cycle? BLOODY BLOODY PERIOD. BLOODY BLOODY PERIOD. BLOODY BLOODY PERIOD. HA HA HA HA HA.

The spokesperson for the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom is also the author of "9 Star Trek novels"? Who knew Trekkies had sex drives? (...as opposed to warp drives...)

As long as $$$ is allowed to influence politicians more than public opinion, this country will not be a democracy. Good fucking morning, by the way.

Friend: "Which is healthiest: Splenda, Equal, Stevia or just plain old sugar?" Me: "High fructose corn syrup. Idiot."

Dear Bryan Singer: I don't want you to direct an X-Men prequel; I want you to go back in time and direct X3: The Version That Does Not Suck.

The word "bitch" is not a "gender-slur"; it's merely the feminine tense of "asshole."

People will love you for the little lies; they will hate you for the big truths.

Plenty of free Christmas songs on Amazon. No free Hanukkah songs. Oh, stereotypes, why must you be true?

Christmas lights are so beautiful when you get drunk. Just like morbidly obese chicks.

Your offer of free frozen yogurt tempts me, Pinkberry, but it's <40 degrees outside. Also: a man does not eat at any place called Pinkberry.

Friend: "I need the name of a really, really washed-up D-list celeb less famous than Andrew Dice Clay." Me: "Is Lindsay Lohan still alive?"

Yeah, that video of Marilyn Monroe smoking a joint is SHOCKING; it's not like she died from a drug overdose or anything.

The major right-wing complaint about the Afghanistan plan is that it includes an exit strategy? Jesus, even a dog learns from its mistakes.

I do not feel qualified to hold any strong opinions on the new Afghanistan strategy, mostly because I was picturing the West Point cadets in Starfleet uniforms.

diabetes awareness commercial followed by Burger King Double Cheeseburger commercial = total marketing victory.

The problem with women is they want to make men into women, but lose interest as soon as they have accomplished the task.

Girlfriend: "Honey you are 26 years old; it's no longer cute to play 'strip dreidel' at a Hanukkah party." My shiksa makes me feel so young.

Apparently people who threaten suicide on Twitter get a bunch of loving responses. If you ask me, boys who cry wolf SHOULD off themselves.

Guy at party: "I work on Wall St. You hate me, right?" Me: "Nah, I don't hate you. I mean, you should be put to death, but I don't hate you."

Desk agent for my flight back to NY: "You will board from the rear." Is it my birthday, or does she expect a fancy dinner?

Friend: "What can you do with 7.5 hours in Mexico?" Me: "Prepare your asshole for 7.5 days of dysentery."

Top story on CNN.com: "Pink glove boogie a video sensation." God damn you, CNN.com, why can't I quit you?

Browsing the net for tips on making Jell-O shots. My favorite piece of advice: "Make sure the kids don't mistake this for ordinary jello!"

Me to girlfriend: "I'll wear these socks again tomorrow 'cuz I barely wore them today... it's nice to get reminders that I'm a straight man, right?"

You know what would make the holiday season 10,000% better? If I didn't have to buy presents for anyone, yet THEY had to buy presents for ME! (~Season's Greetings from Your Favorite Shameless Greedy Narcissist~)

Drank another cup of eggnog. Time to hit the treadmill for approximately 5 to 6 weeks.

Wait.... yams and sweet potatoes are the same thing?! Holy shit, this is blowing my mind like the first time I saw The Matrix or Fight Club or bare breasts.

Friend: "On Christmas, give your friends love and your enemies forgiveness." Me: "Fuck that. My friends get a Chipotle gift card; my enemies get a knife in the pancreas."

An upscale NYC sex store is giving $25 credit to all shoppers; it's probably a sad statement that I'm going to spend it on their shower gel. (I mean, I guess I'm curious about how a vibrating cock ring feels? Should I try the vibrating cock ring? Like, embrace our cyborg future?)

I almost purchased Infinite Jest; then I remembered that Twitter has ruined my ability to read a comic book, let alone some 1,104-page opus. (...a comic book, a grocery list, a sentence longer than 140 characters...)

You can either be polite or interesting, and no author worthy of publication chooses the former.

Rule #1: You cannot be loved unless you are hated. Rule #2: Speaking the truth makes you loved & hated. Rule #3: Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.

If the Evil Nazi Scum put a gun to your head and say "never write another word," and you agree in exchange for your life, you were never a writer in the first place.

A Moleskine notebook will not make you a better writer; it will just make you someone who pays $18 for a notebook.

Am I the greatest writer in the history of literature? No, I am the greatest man in the history of the world.

I want to read something brilliant enough to change my life, but I'll have to settle for writing something brilliant enough to change yours.