Twitter Archive (August 2009)

girlfriend's aunt: "Our new cat's name is Jacko." girlfriend: "What kind of cat?" aunt: "A black one." me: "It hasn't turned albino yet?"

I bought a Powerball ticket worth $5 a few years ago. Whenever somebody asks what I do for a living I'm tempted to say, "I won the lottery."

I haven't tweeted in 18 hours -- felt like I was missing a limb or a nipple or something, which would bring me down to 3 limbs or 2 nipples.

to friend who got mugged last night: "Look on the bright side, dude, it could have been worse...at least you're still a virgin."

saw an ad for Walden University -- do they have actual classes, or does everyone just head into the woods and go insane?

this lady in the laxative commercial must be super thrilled with her career

spent weeklong vacation eating like a pig & drinking like a fish -- now I need to spend a week eating fish & sweating like a pig.

passed out from wine--for the fourth time this week--after yelling that booze makes writers "tell 100% of the TRUTH." Oh, rationalization... (At least I fit the archetype of my profession; this brings me immense comfort.)

Reader: "Beware of booze, Marty -- it'll get you after a while." Me: "Not if I get it first."

yesterday I watched "Ray" & "I Am Legend." luckily I did not have a nightmare about zombies chasing me while singing "Gorging on My Mind." ("I Got a Cranium, Way Over Town, Tastes Good to Me"? "What'd I Braiiiiiiiins"? "Hallelujah I Love Her Soul"? "Eat the Blood, Jack"? Hm... the Ray Charles Zombies *would* leave a "Mess Around")

NY Times apologizes for offending fat people. NEVER DO THIS -- the morbidly obese NEED the shame (Apparently shaming fatties only makes them eat more. Never mind. You look great, bovine masses! Keep on scarfing grease! #reversepsychology)

do not underestimate the power of propaganda to make decent people evil; do not overestimate the power of truth to make evil people decent.

"moral equivalence" is when people hold themselves to the same standard they hold others. I see this as a virtue and good politics. you gain the moral high ground by refusing to become as corrupt as your enemies -- if you torture, you cannot condemn their torture. I do not necessarily believe an eye for an eye makes the world blind, but an eye for a toenail probably does. "good guys" commit atrocities as an exception, but it makes them less good; "bad guys" commit atrocities as a rule. if war is unavoidable, morally compromised democrats must defeat immoral fascists--but must not resort to fascism to do so. by the way, "Star Trek: The Next Generation" informs 99% of my opinions about foreign policy, so don't take any of this too seriously.

Okay, I will try to be 90% funny, 10% preachy for the rest of today; the inverse is unfitting for a supposed humorist.

angry lefty reader: when a jewish humorist implies his gay friend is hell-bound for rejecting Jesus, perhaps you should assume it's sarcasm

I would share my advice for other writers, but it would be like Aristotle trying to instruct a cabbage patch

Scientific American: "10% of the modern human liver's enzymes are dedicated to turning alcohol into energy." Only 10? Yeah, if you're a LOSER

I'm hesitant to comment strongly on health care, mostly b/c the phrase "health care" turns my brain to mush within .003 seconds. (I'm fairly certain Ben Franklin would favor subsidized abortions--purely for the sake of his weekends.)

Republicans do not oppose big govt, only benevolent govt; if the State is inevitable I'll take libraries & medicine over torture & theocracy. The Right rules through fear; the Left rules through guilt. If I must choose one, I'd rather have empathy than paranoia.

Republicans: indefinite detention, brutal torture & preemptive war are "freedom," yet giving people medicine is "fascism." you defend torture, preemptive war & dismantling habeas corpus in the name of "liberty," yet claim a public health care option is "FASCISM"? The sad thing is that conservatism has a few valid points to make, but rabid lunatics have disqualified this validity for the next 100 years. Conservatives have devolved into screaming toddlers, and should be ignored accordingly. when a political movement is based on mindless anger, I automatically lose interest; speaking loudly is not the same as speaking powerfully. I would happily listen to calm, rational conservatives explain their positions; right-wing nuts make me sympathize w/ sane-sounding liberals.  American conservatism grows more disturbing by the day; it's no longer about economics, merely conspiracy theories. the American people need to realize that the shrillest voices in our public discourse are entertainers -- neither thinkers nor good citizens. they are hungry only for $$, not debate, not democracy, not decency. modern conservatism cannot exist without the obscuring and obliteration of Truth. there are certainly those on the Left who prefer frothing-at-the-mouth passion over sober facts, but this preference is *defining* the Right. democracy needs (at least) two major/serious/intellectual/fact-valuing political camps; anything less--our current situation--is a tragedy. I am friends with plenty of intellectual/logical conservatives who challenge my assumptions; I wish they were in control of their movement. it's exactly like the Dworkin/MacKinnon wave of feminism: paranoid, raging, absolutist, clannish, scary. over time Dworkin & MacKinnon lost influence on the left b/c they were out of touch w/ reality; I hope the same happens w/ nuts on the right. (Gen Y feminists are way mellower -- by which I am obviously referring to their love of BJs.)

I realized why my tweets sound intense today: "feels like 99 degrees," according to Weather.com -- my sanity is hinging on a decade-old fan. (@robertyoungman says, "Dear God, air conditioning is proof that you love us." What does it mean that my AC stopped working for the heatwave?)

Me: "We should get a hotel room." Girlfriend: "That's naughty." Me: "For the AC." Girlfriend: "That's... less naughty."

Gf: "Was Scrooge McDuck gay? He didn't have a wife." Me: "No, he preferred to PAY for sex -- with, you know, quackwhores."

gf took the "What Does Jesus Think of You?" quiz: "you're a selfish bitch. All you do is shop, eat, and complain." I should not have laughed.

me: "hold STILL while I draw you--10 more minutes, okay?" girlfriend: "it's a stick figure with boobies, isn't it?" me: "yes... yes it is."

girlfriend: "...engagement party, bridal shower, bachelorette party, the WEDDING..." me: "how many events does an engaged chick's ego NEED?"

girlfriend: "the sunset is so beautiful -- it's this perfect whitish-pink..." Me (on third glass of wine): "Like a PUSSY." I am too romantic.

I fell asleep at 10:30 on a Saturday night -- I can no longer refer to myself as "America's Sexxxiest YOUNG Journalist."

My contributions to Beatles-themed restaurants meme: "Give Peas a Chance," "Live and Let Fry," "Dig a Pony," "All Things Must Pass High-Fiber Cuisine," "Baby, You're a Rich Flan," "I'm Cooking Through You," "Good Day Moonshine Pub," "Crêpe Baby Crêpe," "Deer, Bear and Every Hare," "Why Don't We Chew It in the Road?" "Run for Your Knife," "You're Gonna Lose That Grill," "Drive My Carbs," "Pocky Raccoon," "I've Just Eaten a Face," "And Your Bird Can Simmer," "Got to Get You into My Loaf," "Beer Pubence," "Let It Wasabi," "You've Got to Hide Your Love Satay"

replying to publishing meme on marketing power of book jacket blurbs: "I blurbed a book once; publisher removed it b/c the sales would have eradicated the rain forest / life on earth"

rereading Gatsby -- why do teachers assign this to high school students? it's brilliant but doesn't make any sense until you are an adult...

finished Gatsby, very glad I gave it another try. it's an intricate machine w/ immaculate prose -- hard to believe it's almost 85 years old. you become timeless by defining your times.

I just accidentally swallowed plastic. apparently I am three years old. (that explains my writing, I suppose.)

writers get better as we get older; we're the opposite of musicians.

NY Mag asks its married readers if they had sex on wedding night: 51% yes, 35% no, 14% "Unclear." THAT much champagne, 14%?

the first time I touched a pair of boobs was during a synagogue youth group sleepover. I felt guilty... but then became agnostic. Problem solved.

Judaism no longer particularly interests me; I lost the faith but kept the forearm hair. (I believe in a religion called "Don't Be a Prick." I don't necessarily *follow* it, but...)

easy: "[x] manifesto is the blueprint for my life" / "[x] sacred text is the blueprint for my life." more difficult: "I will design my own."

rumors of light threaten reality for those who live in darkness; those who live in darkness subsequently threaten those who shine the light (all right, Plato got there first, but I'm *basically* on his level.)

the unholy trinity: anger, paranoia, ignorance

"For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Fascinating. And true. then again, nobody *loves* (or particularly likes) a person without opinions, merely tolerates. you can only be loved if you are also hated. truth invites wrath from orthodoxy. a writer must ask: how much truth can I tell? how much wrath can I handle? very few conclude "all of it." but the rare person who tells 100% of the truth serves a vital social function--he will live outside of society, but justifies its existence. even expressing a truth such as "in the same way you judge others you will be judged" invites judgment. And in the end, the love you take is equal to the the lies you break. (all right, I am going to sleep -- would you believe I actually typed that rambling bullshit SOBER?)

if I were serious 100% of the time, I'd be SO boring -- but cutting the jokes occasionally makes the serious stuff stick.

they want the showman; they do not want the human.

propaganda: a stream of opinions w/ sporadic diluted facts. journalism: a stream of facts w/ sporadic diluted opinions.

in my conservative days I felt bitterness toward everything; in my contrite days I feel bitterness toward bitterness.

I worked for 19 hours today. when you have as many brilliant ideas as I do, taking a breather feels like single-handedly delaying the evolution of the human race.

a friend of mine was bedridden for months after a car crash. I probably shouldn't have suggested she title her memoir "Tales from the Crip."

your work computer blocks my website? it's not like I use profanity or anything...