Pork Barrel Politics

Today the Wall Street Journal published a story that single-handedly nullifies the legitimacy of democracy.

 

In “Too Fit to Be President?” Amy Chozick raises doubts as to whether overweight Americans will vote for a leader who is in peak physical condition. She argues that Sen. Barack Obama’s “slim physique just might have some Americans wondering whether he is truly like them,” because two-thirds of American adults are excessively chunky. A Texas woman says that Obama “needs to put some meat on his bones.” Another voter says, “I won’t vote for any beanpole guy.”

 

If Thomas Jefferson had known that a candidate’s slimnesswould someday become a hindrance, he would have puked his guts out. And then he would have been too skinny to win the presidency.

 

Chozick contrasts Obama’s love of organic tea with McCain’s “weakness for Butterfinger candy bars, jelly beans, and coffee and doughnuts from Dunkin’ Donuts.” (Apparently Obama is an elitist because he doesn’t want to experience a massive coronary.) Obama is ten pounds leaner than the average American man his height, and Sen. John McCain is slightly heavier than average, which could make a big difference in November, Chozick writes, because in 2004 Sen. John Kerry “was labeled effete when he ordered a Philly cheesesteak with Swiss instead of the usual Cheez Whiz topping.” Never mind that George W. Bush is a well-known fitness enthusiast; it’s only effeminate to stay in shape if you’re a Democrat. (A corndog only looks like a cock in a liberal’s mouth.)

 

Apparently Obama should act more like Bill Clinton, who “connect[ed] to voters in conservative-leaning states” after “jogging into a McDonald's in Little Rock, Ark,” because “[t]hese states have a statistically higher number of overweight people than Democratic strongholds.” McCain’s campaign manager says, “Only celebrities like Barack Obama go to the gym three times a day.”

 

Listen, you grotesque Southern douche bags: being plump is not a good thing. We should not aspire to become the bloated, armchair-bound, cupcake-drinking blobs depicted in Wall-E. If you corpulent conservatives are stupid enough to vote for someone based on the unhealthiness of his diet, then gawky Abraham Lincoln’s Civil War was a mistake; we should have let you keep your own goddamned country so you wouldn’t have the power to ruin ours. (The slaves would have escaped to the North when they realized that plantation owners were too fat to chase them.)

 

The presidency is the toughest job in the world. We need a leader with the stamina to handle the stress. According to ScienceDaily, “high-intensity exercise is superior in reducing stress and anxiety,” and staying in shape means a longer lifespan. Of course, we want to vote for a candidate who seems human. The problem is that most people—and I include myself in this—do not have the wisdom and self-control for such a Herculean undertaking. Instead of voting for someone who is “just like us,” we should vote for someone who acts like we wish we did. And when it comes to shrinking our waistlines, we all want to believe: “Yes We Can.”

 

Unless you are trying to become the Fattest Man in the World, in which case you have my vote. God bless you, Fattest Man in the World. You are truly a hero.