Five Ways to Spend Your Time When You Get Fired: A Helpful Guide for the Newly Suicidal

February 3, 2009

Times are tough in America: millions of workers are out of work, consumer confidence is at an all-time low, the dollar is worth less than Monopoly money, and our economic Hiroshima is only expected to worsen as 2009 progresses. (The good news is that household pets—dogs, cats, goldfish, undocumented housekeepers, etc.—contain plenty of protein and essential vitamins. Get over here, fluffy, I’ll make YOU into Kibbles n Bits!)
 
The jobless masses face a mountain of debts, but they also face an ocean of time. How are you supposed to fill your days when nobody is willing to give you a paycheck?
 
As a professional writer, I have plenty of experience sitting on my ass while other people actually work for a living. (Oh wow, you have health insurance? I’m soOooOooOoOo impressed.) Therefore I feel compelled to share my time-killing advice for the newly destitute. Why see infinite crisis when you can instead choose to see limitless opportunity?
 

#1. Get Drunk

 
It’s considered inappropriate to drink alcohol before five p.m. on a weekday because lunchtime/brunchtime/breakfast-time imbibing would interfere with the Puritan work ethic. However, you no longer need to worry about the time of day; you have nowhere to go besides Margaritaville. As Jimmy Buffet will tell you, “It’s five o’clock somewhere,” and Jimmy Buffet is the wisest, most majestic creature to ever walk the earth.
 
Unlike all those “responsible” and “non-problem” drinkers, you know it's way better to get loaded in the middle of the day. Plenty of bars have afternoon specials such as two-for-one drinks, which is phenomenal because you have no source of income.
Another perk: drunk drivers clog the roads at night, but in the afternoon you will be the only drunk driver! This makes you the de facto King of the Road. Watch out, happy families, the jig is up! *SPLAT* DEAD DEAD DEAD HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
#2. Masturbate
 
Who doesn’t love to masturbate? (Note: women don’t count, except for the cool ones, but they’re either porn stars or lesbians.) After a long day at the office, however, you are too exhausted to do anything besides ponder your fading, wasted youth.
 
Fortunately you no longer need to spend your days at the office; instead you can focus on the orifice, specifically your urethra.
 
The best part? Nobody will catch you in the middle of the day, assuming your roommate and/or wife has managed to remain employed. You no longer need to sneak glances at the bathroom door to ensure they are still taking a shower and/or shit, which always ruins the moment, unless you happen to fantasize about your roommate bathing or your wife defecating whilst you partake in self-molestation, in which case you have bigger problems than food stamps.
 
You can actually relax and enjoy yourself as you enjoy yourself. You don’t need to close the window curtains! The neighbors aren’t watching! You can even sneak into their homes and masturbate! They’ll never know! What a bunch of suckers! (Caution: your neighbors have probably lost their jobs too. Wouldn’t it be ironic if they snuck into your house and busted a nut while you snuck into theirs?)
 
#3. Go on Welfare
 
You don’t have a job anymore. How are you going to afford booze for getting drunk, porno for masturbation, and vaccinations for the dog and/or undocumented housekeeper before you eat it?
 
Easy: government assistance! Our charitable new chief executive wants to “spread the wealth around,” and why shouldn’t he spread it to you? You voted for him, right? Or are you some kind of racist Nazi scum?
 
Conservatives love to bitch and moan about how taking rich people’s money is wrong and shameful, but it’s their fault—thanks to years of deregulation—that you lost your job in the first place. So fuck those greedy, two-faced vainglorious weasels; it’s their social responsibility to forfeit a little cash and suffer like the rest of us. In other words: TORCH THEIR HOMES!!!!!!!! BURN THEM ALIVE!!!!!!!! TAKE THEIR GOLD AND BURN THEM ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
#4. Masturbate Some More
 
…because you simply cannot have too much of a good thing, especially if "a good thing" is ejaculating all over some goddamned Republican’s barbecued corpse. (Was that too intense?)
 
#5. Kill Yourself
 
So you’ve lost your job, your bills are stacked as high as your ceiling, your wife left you—for some inexplicable reason she wasn’t attracted to a drunken chronic masturbator who applied for welfare, devoured the family pet and cannibalized the maid—and you have no reason to go on living.
Well, perhaps you shouldn’t go on living, but don’t rush things; there are better ways to die than taking your own ruined, worthless life. For example: taking your ruined, worthless life along with those of your ex-coworkers!
 
The ungrateful swine never liked you—shit, your boss fired you, didn’t he?—and now it’s time for some good old-fashioned payback, murder-suicide style. Procure an arsenal at the local gun show (no mandatory cooling-off period! FUCK cooling off!), send your family back to the hell from whence they came, and then return to the office for a magnificent thrill ride akin to something at Disney World. (Splash of Blood Mountain... you must be this dead to enter.) You have approximately twelve minutes until the police arrive on the scene, so make it snappy; the only good blaze, if you’re going out, is a BLAZE OF GLORY.
 
#5.5 Buy Stocks When Everybody Else Sells
 
Hey, the market is going to recover sooner or later, right? So just cut back on your impulse purchases, learn how to cook at home, and lay low until this whole economic crisis blows over. (Oh wait, you and everyone you know are doused in an ocean of hemoglobin... talk about overreacting!)