Dude, That's Schmucked Up!

(Originally published October 2007 by the Prometheus Institute)

Let’s cut to the chase. I’d hate to leave you hanging.
 
Next month the Oregon Supreme Court will decide whether a Jewish convert can circumcise his child. Several Jewish organizations are hysterical—what else is new?—and have filed amicus briefs on behalf of the slash-happy daddy. A representative for the American Jewish Congress said, “We have to win this case, and win it big,” and another Jewish group complains that banning circumcision “would violate the First Amendment’s guarantee of freedom of religion.”
 
However, the group Doctors Opposing Circumcision argues: “Parents are free to practice their religion and to have religious beliefs, but they are not free to change the physical body of their child at will,” and “cannot endanger the child in any way.” (In 2007 many Australian hospitals forbade circumcision for non-medical reasons.)
 
Should parents have the freedom to practice their religion, or should young people make their own choices about their anatomy (medical terminology: “junk”) when they become adults?
 
A 2005 British urological study examined men who were circumcised as adults. Three-quarters “had no change in their libido,” and “penile sensation improved” for thirty-eight percent. (Sensation decreased in eighteen percent.) The majority of the men felt “satisfaction” with the operation. Nearly half “thought the penis appearance improved after circumcision.”
 
However, the Oregon Supreme Court case is more retarded than a Chernobyl incest baby because the young lad under the knife isn’t a newborn; he’s twelve years old. Media reports suggest that the father wants to “force” his son to undergo the procedure.
 
So the issue isn’t whether the Jewish ritual of circumcising babies is child abuse or not, as Jewish and anti-circumcision organizations would have you believe. The question is whether a pubescent American can legally oppose the annihilation—the “Holocaust,” if you will—of his Smegma-Supplying Skin Sheath.
 
Jewish law stipulates that at age thirteen, which will be the kid’s age by the time this ordeal is over, a boy becomes responsible for his own decisions. Even if Jewish law didn’t say this, a parent still wouldn’t have the right to mar a thinking, sentient human being against his will—causing enormous pain and long-lasting trauma—for non-medical reasons.
 
However, anti-circumcision activists stand on shaky ground when they suggest that the majority of Jewish parents are child abusers, especially since our boys kick your slacker goyim asses when it comes to law school, medical school, the Nobel Prize, Control of All Mass Media, etc.
 
Even if circumcision is an archaic blood ritual, many (non-European) chicks believe that foreskins are disgusting, which is totally understandable. Dear Gentiles: your genital appendixes look like Saggy Flesh Aliens—something that might grow tentacles and perform unspeakable acts in dirty Japanese cartoons—and I would rather lose a tiny bit of sensation than have my cock look like a Gnarly Mutant Corndog.
 
Female genital mutilation, practiced in less developed regions of the world, should remain illegal because it deprives women of any future sexual fulfillment. (What a tragedy!) But the contemporary anti-circumcision movement is a stupid moral panic over nothing. Millions of horny Jewish guys experience sexual pleasure; it's Jewish WOMEN who are impossible to please.